Shadow Muse

I asked Social Security to please reconsider my benefits based on the fact that I am now divorced and not receiving income from my spouse.  I got the letter today that they had already done that back in 2016 and won't be raising my benefits any further.

$20

That was how much they raised me.  I'm now worth $500 a month. $619 if you count the SNAP benefits.

I'm expected to live on $7,428 a year.  That's 39% below the federal poverty level.  Nobody could do this.  Nobody could live on this.

I haven't decided if I will appeal it. While my expenses have gone up, some of their outdated information is slightly inaccurate in favor of me (no adjustment for higher SNAP benefits, they think I'm getting less help from my dad than I am) so I am afraid that they would find against me and lower my payments. It's a very real possibility that they even point out in the letter.  So I have the choice: trigger a complete reevaluation and possibly get my payments lowered, or let it stand as-is and remain stable, if inadequate, on this amount.  I don't want to make that choice.  I don't want this to be happening.

Also, Smooch is doing well and eating well, but the food he's on is costing me around $150 a month -- more than it costs to feed ME -- and I'm eating into his emergency fund to pay for it when I would rather save that for, you know, actual emergencies.  This is a huge expense, and I'm afraid that between that and the regular vet visits, I will have to rehome him.  I don't want to do that.  I desperately don't want to do that.  A kidney disease cat with eye issues and behavior and litter problems that require regular vet visits, medication, and a specialized diet is going to be nigh-impossible to place, and I don't know if I could trust anyone else to stick with him despite his difficulties.  I would definitely only adopt him out to a household where he would be the only pet.  I love him so much. I don't want to send him away.  I don't.

I really need patrons over at our Patreon.  Or just some recurring payments set up through Paypal.  Something.

I'm so tired.  I'm so fucking tired.

I never wanted to be like this.  I never wanted to be dead weight.  And that's all I am.  At best, all I can ever be is a charming but expensive pet for someone else to care for.

It's very, very hard not to hate myself. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

15 Phrases Kids Said That Were Code for ‘I Need Help’

I knew it would be from the moment I read the title, but mine is in there.  #8.

I remember being six years old and crawling under a dresser and hiding there, sobbing. I don’t even remember what I was crying about, I don’t think there was anything specific that had happened. I was just hiding under there and crying and when my mom asked me what was wrong, all I said was “I want to go home.”

Baffled, she asked if this wasn’t home, where “home” was, and all I could come up with was “Sherwood Forest.” (I was a huge Robin Hood fan.)

I never stopped feeling it, either, though it’s better, now, than it ever has been before.

I needed help so badly, and I never got it from them. Making things worse, my mother gaslit me constantly about my mental health issues and was a huge part of the reason I didn’t feel secure - she often talked about how much she wanted to leave us behind and go away. And sometimes she did.

I guess she must have felt much the same way I did: trapped, alone, hurting, hating the life she had. But it’s hard to have sympathy for someone who on multiple occasions left her extremely young children alone after telling them she was never coming back.

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Smooch doesn't want to EAT.  He has an appetite, he eats a little, then he's just . . . done.  Sometimes switching food will help and he'll eat his fill, but it's like he gets tired of it.

I wasn't too worried about it, I thought I'd solved the problem by switching back to a food flavor that he liked before but I had to stop giving him when the vet switched prescriptions. I thought it would be better for him to eat that than eat nothing, and I'd leave him on it until I could talk to the vet.

Well, now he's not eating that, and he is losing weight, and I'm trying to do damage control coaxing food into him by hand when he really doesn't want any, just so he won't run out of fuel, but mostly he just puts it in his mouth because he knows I want him to do that, and then he spits it out.

I wasn't very worried, I thought he was just being finicky, he does that sometimes, but I'm starting to suspect something isn't right here.  Something isn't right, and I don't know what it is, and it's almost Friday, and UGH.

AND ALSO in the middle of this, our water heater sprang a leak and lightly flooded half the garage.  I caught it within minutes of it happening and moved all my books, so there was no real permanent harm done to anything irreplaceable or important, but it was a nasty surprise, and now I have to stay up way past my bedtime to wait for the goddamn plumbers to arrive, and hope that whatever is wrong is cheap to fix.

But like, at least the floor of the garage is cleaner than it was.

ETA:

New hot water heater. Thanks, Dad. Yeesh.

Smooch is okay. The vet thinks he's feeling barfy from the kidney issues. His bloodwork and pee both look good. I'm doing everything right. He's getting fluids and some stuff to help his tummy, which should set him right in a hurry. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

Smooch has been an unrelenting prick and nothing we try seems to work well enough to stop him picking fights and pissing on things.  The Feliway diffusers help but the refills are expensive and we can't afford to keep three or four running.  Medication helps but not enough.

I don't want to rehome him.  Who would even take a cat with kidney disease and behavior problems?

I'm just . . . beside myself.  This isn't his fault!  This isn't my fault!   He is clearly unhappy!  And I am powerless to do anything about it.  This sucks. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I just realized I never updated y'all on the situation on LJ/DW.  I was hoping to avoid asking for help like this AGAIN, but the situation is worse than I initially thought.

On Feb. 2, Bear was robbed at work.  They took her money bag and her car.  You can read about it here, which gives a few more details. She was unharmed ad we got the car back!  But it was terrifying, especially since she's already been violently robbed once before.  So this plays into that ugly trauma quite nicely.

We took a big financial hit -- she had to get the car towed and re-keyed, she missed work, not to mention the tips she lost.  Thankfully, friends from elsewhere on the net came through for us and we were able to make up the immediate loss pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, after ~2 months, it has become apparent we are still in trouble over the long haul.  I haven't wanted her to go back to delivery, as there have been other robberies recently and some ended in much nastier ways but even with a raise she took a big pay cut as she's no longer making tips in the kitchen.  This is going to hurt us worse even than we thought.

Still, because the economy is in the garbage and minimum wage here is absurdly low, finding another job that pays even as much as this one is going to be difficult, and we aren't sure how long it will take her to do it, if she even can.

We need help in a longer-term sense.

We need patrons.

If you have ever considered pledging into our Patreon, please do so.  At any level.  Please.  This, more than anything else, helps us.  If we can get an extra $100 a month, that would be incredibly helpful, and while it wouldn't completely offset what she's lost, it would make a big dent.

I also need sponsors for the cats.

All but one of the cats is on a Banfield plan, which saves us a lot of money in the long run just in free office visits alone, but it is still a monthly expense.  It's ~$25 for each of the kids.  I wish this were negotiable, but it's not.  Harley, Etrigan, and Smooch all require more frequent office visits for health issues, and Raleigh still needs the free preventive care that the plans get us.

The cost of Smooch's just went up; he had to be taken off dry food and we had to change his kidney-friendly diet to one that also will not cause bladder stones.  It's a wet food, it's more expensive.  The vet says I need to be feeding him more than I have been to bring his weight up and keep him comfortable, and it's very obvious when I increase his food that he feels a lot better and is more comfortable and less hangry.  This brings the price to just over $100 a month.  Because it's a prescription food, it's more or less the same price everywhere I've looked and there aren't really any good alternatives.  It's terrible that it costs this much.  But I can't not do it.  I love him, I want him to be comfortable and healthy and not hungry.

So if people wanted to volunteer to cover part or all of those expenses for the boys, that would be phenomenal.  Paypal DOES let you set up recurring payments!  

I'm not just sitting on my butt about this.  I have gotten my SNAP benefits reinstated, which helps. I am also trying to get my disability payments raised, but it's going to take at least another two months, if I can pull it off at all.

So we are basically just really struggling right now because two assholes decided that getting some free pizza and a couple hundred bucks was worth fucking up two other people's lives.

Donations can be sent to sarahconley01@gmail.com (the best place right now because I'm dealing with bank account stuff for the disability thing) or to me at naamah@gmail.com. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

What a big day he had on Monday!  To the vet for bladder surgery, where they removed 5 apple seed sized loose stones, and where they also clipped his claws and SHAVED HIM.  Then home with a cone, then back to the vet on Tuesday for observation (they babysat him for me so I could sleep!)



He is doing really well!  He is also really high!  Like, STILL.  All he wants to do is purr and rub on everything.  He wants to hug everyone, kiss everyone, be everyone's friend.  It's not like him at all, so it's kind of hilarious.

He is sleeping in his litterbox on some super fancy paper litter I bought that won't stick to his incision.  He's also peeing in there, which is less than ideal.  I mean, I want him to pee in there, but I also want him not to lay in it.  For high-as-balls Smooch, this does not compute.  His nickname isn't Smelly Belly for nothing.  I've just been scooping it out every time he goes, and spreading fresh litter on top.  Sigh.

I really hope that having the stones out makes him more comfortable.  We have no way of asking him if it hurt, but I can't imagine it didn't.  I hope this helps him.

I'm so proud of him.  He did so well and was so brave.  I'm proud of us, too.  We've been taking care of him as best we can, and while I am freaking exhausted, I'm also confident we are doing everything we can to keep him happy during his brief convalescence.

Thank you for all the well-wishes.  They were much appreciated.

Here is the update I posted on his Youcaring:

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I however, only have the one.  It's probably perfectly healthy, though?

Spoke to the cardiologist on Thursday.  He's 99% sure the thing that's been going on with me is benign, but I'm getting an ultrasound and I'll wear a Holter for a few weeks just to be sure.  He was a really cool guy.  Gave me no shit about anything whatsoever.

Smooch is still going in for surgery on Monday.  I'm still not crazy about the idea, and I'm anxious about having to take care of him when he's recovering.  I'm . . . not great at taking care of even myself.  I'll do my best.  He's pretty tough, he'll probably be fine....?

IDK.

Anyway, I just read this cute webcomic called The Muse Mentor by Amy King aka Sephiramy aka the person who made me some kickass character art for my tabletop losers, and I found it really sweet and meaningful.  It's only 180 pages, so it's a quick read.  Check it out.  I totally cried because it made me feel less shitty about myself, so that's nice.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

Smooch needs bladder surgery to remove those stones.  I hate to put him through it but as it stands, he's at risk of a blockage, and that could be life-threatening.  So the tentative plan is to call on Monday and get an estimate, schedule the surgery, and we pay for half with cash and half with Care Credit.  Thanks to the fundraising I did last year, that ought to be within reach.

He has a bad case of cystitis and a UTI, which I took him to the vet for yesterday.  It's too soon for him to be feeling much better, which means he's still loafing around and looking pitiful and I'm worried as heck and it sucks.  It absolutely sucks.

I love him, even if he's a big whiny jerk.

*I* am going to the vet myself in the next couple of weeks to talk to a cardiologist about some stuff that's been worrying me. It's not likely serious, but I'm also not happy about it.  I want answers, but I also just don't want to deal with having to potentially housebreak a new doctor out of giving me shit about my weight.

I'm just . . . not in a great place the past few days.  I'm very, very anxious about the future.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

Most of my updating has been happening on Tumblr.  Here's the latest.

He's doing well.  He likes the new food, he's acting totally normal.

We got the imaging I wanted to get done.  The vet found some bladder stones, which is worrisome, so we'll be keeping an eye on that.  He also found some sort of soft mass north of his kidneys, which the radiologist said not to worry about. I'll still be discussing that with him when we go back in but for now "not a tumor, harmless" is good enough for me.  Plus it lets me make Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes.

Mostly what we found in imaging was poop and farts.



He's digesting pretty slowly, which is not yet concerning, but is worthy of note.

His kidneys look good.  (See the :) above!)  His heart is beautiful.  Look at it in there, so pretty.  Cat hearts are so small on X-rays but as cat lovers know, they are actually quite large.  Just . . . like . . . Smooch's isn't, really.  He's kind of a tool.

I'm worried about the bladder stones, but the vet said they may be cystic, meaning they're maybe enclosed and not loose.  So that's . . . less bad.  Although it could get bad very quickly.  I don't know, I'm really worried about it but he said surgery wasn't something he'd recommend right away.  I'll address it with him again later, get a price quote for removal surgery, and maybe have more imaging done to see if they are embedded in the bladder wall or are loose.  And the food he is on can also help dissolve stones, so there's that.

I really love Smooch's vet.  He's a sweet guy, and good with cats.  Actually, everyone at that Banfield is great.  They've made this so easy to handle.

ANYHOODLE.

The fundraiser is only $25 from its second goal, and I expect it to tip over at any moment.  I'll probably leave it up in case anyone wants to keep donating, because frankly Raleigh needs to see an eye specialist for a recurring infection and between this new kidney thing and his perpetual eye issues Smooch is moderately high-maintenance at this point.  All the proceeds are going from Paypal to my bank and then straight into an envelope in the form of cash, where I won't touch it for any reason besides vet care.  (I always pay with plastic.)

You can see more updates at the fundraiser homepage.

Thank you, everyone, for boosting, for donating, for offering advice and kind words.  I have a lot of hope he will be with us for a good long time to come.  My stinky yeti boy.  My garbage boy stink man.  My stinky pinky.  My one and only Smooch. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

 

I have set up a YouCaring for Smooch's medical expenses.

If you could spread this around on whatever social media outlets you possess, that would be great.

For those new to the show, Smooch is my 7-year-old Himalayan.  He was recently diagnosed with kidney disease.  I'm trying to get together a little cushion so that we will be able to cover his expenses over the next six months to a year of treatment, which will hopefully enable us to stay on top of his condition.  The vet has no idea how long we have, but I'm hoping for more than that.  Your help will make that a lot more possible.

Some facts about Smooch:

He was born with a funny, squished-in face and has only one eye and a twisted little mouth.  He's already had several teeth removed to keep him from biting through the roof of his own mouth.  This makes him very funny-looking, but also very unique.  I find his silly little face delightful.

He also has ocular herpes, which will probably eventually cause him to lose what is left of his vision.  Rough, dude.

He has behavior issues which we are working on with medication, supplements, and behavioral techniques.  The vet and I believe these stem from an anxiety disorder.  Funnily enough, I have an anxiety disorder too.  A lot of his behavior looks very familiar to me.  I understand him very, very well.

He makes noises like a mudcrab.  He eats off a fork like a baby.  He pees on himself every time he's sedated.  He hates fish-flavored anything.  He LOVES to have his armpits scritched.  He's very smelly.  He loves to cuddle at night and in the mornings, settling between my knees while I read or color to unwind.  He's not a good cat, he's a jerk and a bully, but he is very dear to me, and his life is precious.  I have promised him that I will be with him til the end of the line.

I'm not asking for a whole lot, just enough to build up a cushion so I can afford food and tests and so forth.  Any help, even five or ten bucks, would make a big difference.

Thank you all so much.

Boost this post on Tumblr.

Boost this post on Facebook.


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Talked to the vet again, at much greater length, and I have my feet under me, I think.

Here's what we are looking at:

EXPENSES 6-12 MONTHS
$120 for the next round of bloodwork, either in 12 months or if he starts declining again, whichever comes first.
$100 for in-office euthanasia if necessary (I always want to have this amount on hand, even if he seems totally okay)
$60 for tending to his body respectfully.
$120 for what I think should be 3 months' worth of dry AND wet foods, and kidney-safe treats. (I'm having trouble with this math, since I don't know exactly how many servings are in this bag, or how much he will eat.)
$70 for his regular anxiety meds and lysine treats.

= $470 as a cushion against the most likely expenses over the next year or so, plus the non-negotiable meds and food, and the mercy fund in case he needs to be put to sleep.

PLUS OPTIONAL
$230 for an "optional" X-ray, which I very much want to get so we can check for other things like tumors. I REALLY want this quite badly, but it IS optional.
$120 for an extra round of bloodwork,
$50 for urinalysis.
$110 for treatments for his eye herpes.  Ew.
$120 for additional supplements and treats that will help his anxiety and help prevent viral outbreaks

= $630 extra, for stuff that would be good or cool to have.

TOTAL, that would be $1,100.

That is doable with a head start and help from y'all.

If you are comfortable donating a few bucks outright, I take paypal at naamah@gmail.com.

If you want something concrete, I will be posting some art stuff, listing some ponies on eBay, and maybe taking some small art commissions. I will try to get that stuff up on Monday, as well as bumping this post.

I am very optimistic after my talk with our vet today. I have a lot of hope, and overall this isn't looking too bad right now. I just want to build up a cushion so that we can keep him safe.

Thank you all for your kind words of support, which have been worth my stupid cat's weight in gold. It's good to see that there's hope. <3

Thank you for having my back, and his.

Here he is being stinky and beautiful:




He says thank you.  <3 X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

So the verdict is stage 3 kidney disease, and it is fatal.

We have time yet, though.  We'll do dietary management as long as we can.  But because I don't know how long we have, I am having to make preparations for sooner rather than later.  Because I can't afford to be caught flat-footed.

I am going to ask some questions, get a price for some things I know will be necessary, and then I am going to throw a number out there and ask y'all to help me hit it so we can be sure to have his needs covered for the next little while, including one more round of bloodwork for a re-check in six months, and, unfortunately, for the cost of euthanasia + taking care of the body.  I'm working on getting figures for that.  I'll know more tomorrow and should have a more complete forecast by Monday.

I knew going in I probably wouldn't have him for that long.  I'm okay.  It hurts, but I can do this.  I can't fix him, but I can be with him til the end of the line.  I just want to make sure he's taken care of.

I'm hurting just as bad for my best friend, who on the same day I heard about Smooch, learned that her Puck, my favorite dog in the world, has terminal cancer and has around a month.  I can't fix him either.

We are all so fucking helpless.  Life is so beautiful, I love it, but it is also completely heartless, and while I will never hesitate to make this bargain again and again, loving our pets means losing them.  They are our little outboard hearts, and that makes them so precious and us so vulnerable.
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Smooch got some weird bloodwork back yesterday, and we are waiting on new bloodwork to learn more.  idney disease, hyperthyroid disease, and cancer were all mentioned.  They're testing thyroid and kidney stuff now.   I should have the results early next week.  But, basically, it's pretty likely to be bad news.

I mention this because the step after this is likely to be imaging.  An x-ray will be $230, and I will need to ask for help with part of that, as well as for ongoing treatment if it's necessary/possible, or, god forbid, euthanasia.  Care Credit is something I will not hesitate to deploy, but I would prefer to pay for as much of it up front as possible, to minimize future monthly payments.  So if y'all could have my back on that when the time comes, I would be very grateful.

He has lost 1.8 pounds in the last year or so, most of it in the last couple of months, and if this weird bloodwork had cropped up without that, I wouldn't be as worried as I am.  But with cats, weight loss on this scale is associated with very poor outcomes, so I am not tremendously optimistic.  To put it in perspective, 1.8 pounds is the same as if I lost 40 pounds, proportionally.  That's frightening.  He was a cinderblock of a cat, built thick and powerful, capable of physically pushing me backwards when braced against something, and now he feels a little below merely average, and has lost a lot of strength.

This is somewhat tempered by the fact that I knew going in that he would probably live a shorter life since whatever inbreeding or genetic abnormalities led to his messed-up face are hardly likely to have stopped there, and I honestly only really expected him to live about 10 years.  I was willing to take that hit that going in, and I am not sorry nor would I ever change my mind.

It helps that he doesn't appear to be feeling bad.  It makes it easier not to worry, moment to moment.

So for now it's wait, and worry.

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I lost a very, very old friend over the weekend.  The illness was sudden, acute, and ultimately fatal.  In less than a week, she was gone.

We weren't so close that her material absence will affect me on a daily basis.  I didn't see her often.  But I respected her, and she had an effect on who I am today. Without her I would be a slightly different version of me, not the me I am.

My own grief and pain is still daily, and pressing.  It's right and fair, it's proof I loved someone, and so it's not something I want to turn away from or bury.  I cared about her, and I am reasonably sure she cared about me, but this is nowhere near as devastating to me as it is for others who knew her better, saw her more, loved her in ways that I did not.  That hurts to see.  All the pain I can't help alleviate in any real way.

So it hurts, yeah, and it is frightening to know that someone so young could die so suddenly -- she was DECADES away from a reasonable age to go.  It's terrifying to watch this happen, knowing how helpless everyone was to stop it, seeing how it left everyone bereft, and how all of us, every one, is going to go through a version of this with someone they love.

That bit, the anxiety over the unavoidable future, is the part that's been hardest to cope with.  I know how to grieve, and grief is not unhealthy.  Anxiety doesn't help anyone.

So yeah, that's been a little rough.

I'm also doing some really hard work in therapy.  Working on old trauma that is holding me back.

And I'm doing some medical stuff that has also been difficult -- I'm over one of the big humps, and things are going so fucking well with that I can hardly believe it, but it was really stressful going in, and there is more difficult stuff ahead of me.  The goal of the therapy is to get me well enough to do it.  I'm not looking forward to it, but it's a thing I'd like to have in the rearview, not the passenger seat.  You know?

I am caught in the middle of a complicated and frightening life that is nevertheless very beautiful.  I am doing well, I am doing poorly, I am doing everything at once, feeling everything at once.  It's hard and it's easy, it's good and it's bad.  It's all so unstable.  All I know is that I don't care how fucked up everything is, I want to be here.  I am happy to be here.  This is a good place to be, even when it's terrible.  I very much want to live.  I am very glad to have a future again.

ETA: She was an organ donor, and that saved lives.  I have registered to become one.  I urge you to consider doing so as well, if you are able.
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I'm trying to get some money together for a short birthday celebration, so I'm selling a bunch of small art tiles on Etsy!

Here's the link!

And here's a selection of the stuff I have up there! Just a bunch of fun, pretty things.

Pretty pastel crystals!



X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I used Amazon's thank you feature to send notes to just about everyone who sent us something from the kitty wish list!

I missed one person because the lysine paste stuff (I think it was that box) didn't come with a gift receipt.

So, thank you to that wonderful anonymous person.  I appreciate it so, so much.  The lysine paste is gross and stinky, oh my god, and it's really entertaining to watch Smooch lick it off my finger.  Poor smelly baby!

Thanks to everyone else, too, just in case you don't get the thank you email.  <3  

The lysine treats are gross-smelling and rubbery and I have to break them into tiny chunks and hand-feed them to him.  HE LOVES IT. 

The Feliway stuff is really cool.  Fake feline facial pheromones, for friendlier funny-faced felines!

Thank you all.  We are all super-grateful.  This doesn't just help Smooch, it helps all of us.  <3 X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

Good news!

First, thank you, everyone who sent us presents from the kitty wishlist!

We are set for lysine chews and other treats, and have at least two months' worth of the Feliway diffuser refills!

I've adjusted the list order and priorities to reflect what we most need right now (litter and Feliway are the things we go through FAST, and Etrigan needs new cardboard scratchers) but this has really taken the pressure off us this month.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.  I will try to get individual thanks out to everyone, but I woke up to like six little packages on my doorstep this morning so it'll be a couple of days.

As far as The Man Himself, Smooch has been on the amitriptylene for about three weeks and we are seeing a noticeable, continual improvement in his levels of aggression and his marking behavior.  The screaming cat fights have gone from being once to several times a day to being once every few days.  I haven't seen him pee on anything in a week or so, and now that I know what triggers the behavior, I can try to interrupt it before it begins.  He is pacing and crying less -- he was doing a lot of that, and it was both upsetting for obvious reasons and also really obnoxious to deal with.

I've seen him walk away from a fight a few times now without going and marking immediately.  Something that literally never used to happen.  If we could get him to disengage, it was only to go and spray on something else.  Sometimes he would do both: complete the attack and then go to mark.  But I've seen him walk completely away on his own, without being prompted.  He just decided it wasn't that important, turned around, and fucked off.  I was honestly speechless.  And a couple of other times, I've reminded him not to be an asshole and he's left off.  And he's stopped lurking, trying to catch one of the others off-guard.

He does still have lapses where he pees on things or starts acting like a dick to everyone.  Expecting him never to slip up or backslide is just unreasonable.  I wouldn't expect it of a human on good meds and therapy, I certainly don't expect it from a cat.  So he's entitled to his Moments.

He does still have episodes where he gets het up and breathes hard and is all stiff and angry.  (You really need to feel him breathing like a bellows when he does this to believe just how unhappy he gets.)  I've started addressing these episodes differently.  Rather than removing him from the area, I will place Raleigh on his favorite perch, out of Smooch's reach.  This way Smooch's mind isn't occupied with returning to the same spot and finishing the aggression when he does because Raleigh is still there.  This way Raleigh simply magically disappears and Smooch is left with no-one to antagonize.  Since his attacks were not driven by boredom, but by the mere presence of another cat, this actually satisfies him, and the need to bully resolves on its own in a very short period of time.  It's also teaching Raleigh to retreat to higher ground.

At this point, I can honestly say that Raleigh "starts it" at least half the time by being the first one to hiss or swat or growl.  Once Raleigh starts acting defensive, that triggers Smooch's bully response and he will chase or attack, even if he wasn't going to before.  I understand where Raleigh is coming from so I don't blame him for this at all -- he's used to Smooch being a belligerent prick and is just trying to ward him off.  He doesn't understand that what is defensiveness to him is provocation to Smooch.  Hopefully this behavior will taper off as he realizes Smooch isn't out to get him.  Raleigh is a very easygoing, friendly cat, and not a great grudge-holder, so I have hope.

They are able to coexist peacefully most of the time.  They will sit next to each other totally calmly to look out the door or eat side by side, so they don't hate each other that much, at least.  If they can be calm for two hours looking out the screen door, they can learn to live with one another without fighting.

Smooch's biggest remaining challenge may be that he likes to enforce The Rules, so when one of the others is doing something and we have to tell them to stop, he will rush in and jump on the offender.  As an example, Raleigh will sometimes get it into his head to jump from the countertop to the top of the nearby bookshelf.  We don't want this, mostly because he is the clumsiest cat we have ever met and he for-real stands a very good chance of harming himself if he were to flub it, which is a standard outcome for him trying to do basically anything.  So if we see him about to make the jump, we have to call his name sharply and clap to get his attention (just saying his name calmly doesn't work, he will jump and then act sorry and not come down at all unless we get the spray bottle or poke him with something -- both things I don't want to have to do because they are so upsetting).  When we do that, he will jump off the counter to go do something else, at which point Smooch will sweep in and bowl him over.  Cue defensive response, cue squalling cat fight.  Raleigh is a screamer!

So Smooch does that whenever one of the others misbehaves.  It stresses him the heck out.  And he's not shown a lot of improvement in this area.  I will have to try to think of ways to work with him and not against him in this.  It's just hard.

Side effects have been minimal to nonexistent.  The meds make him sleepy but not too much so, and when he's awake, he's quite alert.  The first day or two it was a little alarming but he's acclimated and is tolerating it well.

It makes me sad to know that he may be feeling yucky side effects that he can't tell me about, but his behavior has improved so much that I think it's apparent that even if that's the case, he is overall feeling better enough to make it worth it.  I know that's how it is for me.  I'm glad I've been through all this personally, so that I know how shitty it is to be unmedicated, and how some side effects are worth it to have a good life back.

I'm going to talk to the vet in another two or three weeks and ask if she thinks we could raise his dose and see how he does then.  There is still room for improvement.  He's still not what I'd call stable, he's still easy to provoke.  We've just gotten really good at not doing that.  We may have gotten him close to stable.  I'd like to build some resilience next.

He is a sweet boy.  He is sleeping at my feet right now, like a hairy dumpling someone dropped on the floor.  I love him very much.

Hopefully his improvement will continue and the other cats will relax around him a little more.

Thank you all for your help with him.  I love him dearly.  I want to be the right person for him.  I want this to be a good home for him.  If I'm not, and it's not, then that's how it is and I'll do everything in my power to get him with a better person, but I am going to keep trying, because I think we on the way towards turning this thing around. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I'm in the process of switching out "Amanda" from "Alex" in my friends group.  It's been at least six months.  Still feels weird.  Still feels fake.

I don't know how to make that go away, or if it's a sign I should stop, or what.

It's made even more difficult by the fact that I most often hear my name spoken aloud by medical professionals, and I'm Amanda according to my insurance.  I also have to give my name as Amanda all the time to access doctor's appointments and the like.  I'm in and out of appointments a lot, so this is a fair amount of reinforcement.

Pretty sure most places do have a slot for "preferred name".  I can take advantage of that.  But if I decide it's not for me and have to ask them to change it back, I'll just feel really stupid.

Does anyone have any advice?  Is rolling it out in stages NOT the way to go?  Should I move it out a ring and change my name on social media?  Should I give it more time?

I want this to be my name.  (I think?  The fact that it still feels weird after so long makes me doubt myself more than anything else does.)  I LIKE it.

Help!

X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

 I have created a kitty wish list on Amazon.
Right now the Feliway stuff and the Lysine treats and paste are the most important.  

The Feliway really helps reduce his anxiety and resulting aggression.  There's two sizes of refill there, for two price points.

I haven't been able to afford to get him started on the lysine treats that will help his eye issues.  The powder stuff that goes into wet food is too hard for him to eat, I can't get enough into him.

We always, alllllways need litter.

There's also fun treats and some more expensive toys on there.  The Ripple Rug looks AMAZING.

I hate having to do this, but it's for my stupid losers, and I love them so much. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I want this to work out.  I never intended to wind up with FIVE CATS but telling my GF to rehome hers is just as much a non-option as rehoming mine just because new boys came along.  I love them ALL. I strive to treat them all with the same care, barring insulting Etrigan with much greater frequency.

But if I'm honest, I especially love my smelly cryptid man. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

 He saw the vet today and she was wonderful.
We are hopeful, not necessarily optimistic.  If this fails, there are other meds.  If meds fail, there are a couple of other possibilities I will look into before I look into rehoming him.

Because let's be honest, rehoming an adult cat with health issues who is liable to develop more as he ages, and who has behavior issues and is not guaranteed to get along with other pets?  That will be a nightmare.  Even if I could do it, I would worry every day that he wasn't getting what he needed.

Thank you for your encouragement.  It made asking for the meds easier.  It wasn't a heartbreaking decision or anything, but it is a thing I feel a little apprehension over because . . . well . . . his dear little body is so small, and his problems are so big, and medication is so strong.

I pitched it at her as "I am in no way wanting to rehome him because of his behavior issues, I'd be wanting to rehome him because he is clearly miserable, and if I can't fix that, I need to get him in a place where he is safe."  Because while it is true that when I catch him peeing on things out of vengeance, I get very angry and frustrated, I am primarily concerned with his happiness.

The vet said he's lucky he has me.  In particular.

I don't feel like I deserve that.  I don't.

I love him so much.  I just want him to be better, and not be sad and angry all the time. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

Smooch's behavior is absolutely out of control.

He is belligerent, he attacks Sarah's cats with an absolutely unprecedented single-minded hostility despite us having introduced them the "right" way over weeks and weeks.  He is just awful.

I've tried so many things.  (Yes, that.  Oh, and that too.  And that other thing you were thinking of?  Yeah, that.  So please, unless you're willing to pay for it and/or help me implement it, please don't make suggestions, it's only painful.)  The only thing left to try is medication and while I'm understandably reluctant to go that route, at this point it's either stop his behavior or re-home him, and . . . I don't have high hopes of being able to do that responsibly.  He is so demanding and so difficult, he has health issues, he's not pretty, he vengeance-pees.  He will be hard to place, and I just don't know what to do.

It is tearing me apart.  I don't want this for him, or for us.  I love him.  He is a sweet, hilarious cat.  Just not with other cats.  He is absolutely savage.

Can I just . . . I would need you folks more than ever to help me find a good place for him.  Someone with no cats or dogs and with adequate financial and temporal resources to help him.  I'm in Tulsa, OK.  Could you help?  Is that a thing we could manage to do?

Asking for a small, furry friend. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

The muscle twitches seem to have mostly stopped.  I think it was related to some medication stuff.  I need to talk about that with a professional, but I don't have one.

My sleep schedule is completely flipped around.  I'm sleeping from around one in the afternoon to nine or ten at night.

I'm clearly in some sort of mixed state.

I've got an appointment to see someone on the sixth, at a new psych place.  I think they're just an NP, even though I really need to be working with someone further up the chain.  I don't expect this visit will do any good whatsoever.  I know how this shit works.  I'll try to explain myself, they'll recommend something that doesn't help because they always wanna start where they wanna start, and actually really listening to me and working with me is too much work.  I have to prove that I know what I'm talking about by doing what they tell me to do and proving them wrong before they will listen to me.  If they will listen to me.  Some never do.

It's exhausting.  It's always like this.  If I'm lucky, I'll be able to get them to listen to me next time, or the time after.

The psych at the place I get my therapy is a complete dud; condescending, dismissive, useless.  The psych I had before, at the other therapy place, was even worse.  I'm hoping this will be better, but I don't really have hope.  If that makes sense.

I just want my old GP back.  She had her shit together, we understood each other.  She listened.  But Medicaid had to be the shitshow that it is and now I can't see her anymore.

It's been about a year and I still haven't caught up to where I was.  I still don't have a doctor I trust, or a psych I trust.  And it's not for lack of trying.  Just . . . the low-cost clinic I was at was utter garbage, and the family clinic that runs out of Planned Parenthood that I currently go to is overcrowded, understaffed, in imminent danger of closing, and impossible to call directly (you have to go through a call center to get routed there, which can take only five or ten minutes, but often takes half an hour.

I am still so unspeakably angry they pushed me away from a doctor I had a good relationship with and could trust, as well as reach quite easily if I needed to. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I'm having muscle twitches again.  Tiny ones.

No.  Nonononononononono.  NO.

There has to be a reason for it.  I changed something or forgot to take something a few days too many or . . . something.  There has to be some reason that I can fix because I can't.  I can't do it again.

I'm taking the right generic, I swear I am, it's the right one, it's been working, it has to keep working.

I don't want this.  I don't want this.  I don't want this. X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:

I think I may have kicked off the bottom of this.

I went off the Wellbutrin last year when it became too much of a hassle to get  the right generic of it AND the Seroquel, when the Seroquel was the one that was really fucking me up to be off it.  The Wellbutrin was the one thing I could let go, so for the literal first time since my initial diagnosis, I discontinued a necessary medication without consulting my doctor (I didn't have one!  Thanks, Soonercare!)  because trying to get the form of it I needed was actually making things worse for me at the time.

I seemed to be doing okay without it, and it took me literally months to feel up to trying to get hold of the right kind again, so I just . . . decided to stay off it.  If it wasn't necessary, I'd be fine.  If it was, I'd go back on it.

So a couple of days ago, I started taking it again -- Bear takes a kind that does work for me, so we agreed that I'd dig into her (considerable) stash and give it a go again, to see if it helps.

Today was better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before.  That could be a coincidence, but it could also be that Wellbutrin works fast.  I'm hoping that's it.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed today.

Like, don't get me wrong, I still feel like shit, but it's better than it was.  I'll take that.


X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: