Jeremy Beadle-esque shopping, and my New Year word

 I may have said this before, but going shopping with husband is a complete nightmare!

I had a list of things I wanted to get in Dunelm this morning - some bedding, pillows, and several kitchen and bathroom things, I was hoping to be able to get them all in their sale.  We went early to beat any sales crowds - it's a 45 minute drive out there, so husband has to take me, no chance of me going alone, there's no direct bus route.  Plus I wouldn't be able to carry everything!  We got there around 09.30, it was almost empty then.  Husband didn't want to wait in the car as he said there were a couple of things he wanted to look at - fair enough, but he spent the first 10 mins or so trailing around after me like a spare part, talking at me and suggesting cheaper options - cheap is always what husband goes for, whereas I like to get the best quality at a price I'm happy to pay.  So I suggested he go off and look for the things he wanted, and asked him to also look for a couple of the kitchen things I wanted - simple things he couldn't get confused over, like a plastic jug, thus giving me more browsing time alone.  He was back after just 5 minutes.....although he actually walked past me twice, just 6 feet away from me, and didn't notice me as he was looking in every direction except towards me!  When he eventually found me he said he couldn't find/or they didn't have the items....funnily enough when we both went together, I found them within a minute or two with no trouble - he must have had blinkers on (or his eyes shut).

Anyhow, I got everything on my list, and all at between 30-50% off in the sales, except one thing which I was happy to pay full price for as it was only £5 anyway (a hessian potato storage bag lined with black material inside to stop spuds going green and sprouting in the light).  Got to the checkouts - 3 staff members milling around apparently doing nothing behind the checkouts - certainly not serving as they told us we had to use the self service tills!  Why is it that so many shops now are forcing people to use self service tills, even when they appear to have sufficient staff to man the tills as normal?  Grrr.  Anyway, got it all scanned and loaded back into the trolley and paid for.....and then husband sauntered off outside with his hands in his pockets, leaving me loaded up like a packhorse with the full trolley (2 big thick quilted bedspreads, 3 packs of pillowcases, assorted kitchen and bathroom bits) and a pack of two pillows under my arm, along with my shoulder bag.  When I got out of the doors the sun was blazingly bright and due to the time of year, low and dazzling me so I couldn't see.  I stopped and scrabbled about in my shoulder bag, looking for my sunglasses (dropping the pillows in the process), which meant I had to let go of the trolley, which promptly rolled down the incline outside the door towards the car park.  So of course I had to run after it and grab it before it crashed into a car or knocked somebody over (the car park was filling up by now).  I called out for husband, who was nearly at the car, completely oblivious to my plight (of course he was!! 😒).  Hence why I'd much rather shop on my own!  I'm happy to have got everything I wanted though, and at good prices, although I did kind of expect Jeremy Beadle (remember him?) to be lurking outside with a hidden camera 😂😂

Many of you have been doing end of year reviews on your blogs, which set me thinking about our year.  Frankly, it's not been a good one, what with one thing and another.  Having thought about it, I've realised that I've spent a lot of time reacting to things husband has said or done, giving in for the sake of peace quite often too.  If I want our lives - and more specifically, my life - to improve, then I've got to stop merely being reactive and start being proactive - the only person who can make my life better is me.  And that means setting boundaries and reiterating them when necessary (which will be often, but if I don't do it then husband will keep on pushing the boundaries, leaving me feeling frustrated and resentful).  I have to start being more active and doing more activities to improve my health, both physical and mental, and keep encouraging husband to do the same, reminding him that his present very sedentary lifestyle is doing him no good at all.  If I want us to go on outings, especially whilst husband has still got the car, then I've got to plan and initiate them, regardless of his complaints - hoping he'll come up with something is a waste of time, he never does.  Once I've got my bus pass I shall start going into town, or elsewhere, once I've investigated where buses go.  And when we've no longer got the car, I'll still plan for us both to have trips out together as well.  So 2026 is going to be the year of being PROACTIVE.

Problem relative has been very troublesome these past couple of weeks also - I know it's largely due to the time of year.  He's become one of the most selfish and self absorbed people going, he has zero empathy or understanding of how his behaviour affects others, he really does expect us all to do everything he wants.  I and other family members have bent over backwards to help him for so many years, including arranging for expert outside help - he nearly always flatly refuses this help, or initially accepts it and then very quickly starts being rude and obstructive to the people offering help, resulting in the services being withdrawn.  Following family discussion, we've agreed that he's got to be told that we cannot do everything he wants, when he wants, and he's got to start helping himself or accepting the outside help in a calm, polite and friendly manner - or else he'll be on his own.  Harsh but got to be done.

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy New Year, and thank you all most kindly for all the friendship, help, support and advice you've given me over the past year, I appreciate it more than you know.

Sooze xx

Time to get healthy

 Christmas has been packed away, I've done it over the past couple of days, I can't stand it all hanging around after the day is over.  All that's left is the bare tree, waiting to be folded up and put back in its box in the cupboard - I've just asked husband to do that, as he's lounging in his recliner armchair doing nothing again.  I've also gently prodded him again and said he really needs to get some interests and start doing things to be more active - he's just idling his life away.  His gym is closed for a fortnight so he's not even got that to do.  There are various small jobs that need doing in the garden which I've asked husband to do over the past couple of weeks - he's done none of them.  I know it's winter and is cold, but if he wraps up well there's nothing stopping him going out there and doing the odd little job, each thing would only take him 10 mins or so.  He's just got into this lazy, can't be bothered rut - he's not depressed, he just gets like this sometimes, needs prodding (which causes him to moan like hell) every so often to break the habit.

I've emailed the village hall contact and also put a post on our local FB page, asking for information re the Tai Chi classes - no replies as yet, I'm assuming people are away or not checking their emails/socials.  All I know is that the class takes place on a Wednesday morning, I doubt it will be on tomorrow, hopefully it might start up again next week.  If I've not heard anything by then, I'll have a walk to the hall on Wednesday morning and see if anyone's there.  I did go yesterday to look at the notice board outside the village hall - however, there was almost nothing on it, most notices had been taken down.

I'd just dozed off last night, still had the bedside lamp on but my book had fallen out of my hands onto the bed.  Husband then came in, woke me up and started a conversation about the taste of our latest toothpaste, followed by something about the Titanic he'd just been watching on TV.  Once again I reminded him that my time after I've gone to bed is just that, my time, for reading, relaxing and winding down enough to go to sleep, I don't want to be getting into conversations at that time of night unless he's got a problem he needs to tell me about.  I didn't raise my voice or snap at him, it was just a calm reminder, however he went into a childish strop and stomped out to his bedroom, slamming the door loudly.  Honestly, it's like living with a teenager, he's definitely regressing back to teenage years.

I'm starting on a healthy weight loss regime tomorrow (not today, we've just had the last of the homemade sausage rolls and last few chocolates for lunch!).  I must pick up my shoulder exercises again, I've got out of the habit of doing them recently and my shoulder pain isn't getting any better.  I need to be more active too, perhaps going for a walk a few times a week - by myself, husband and Betty amble along at a snail's pace....I'm certainly no power walker but I do manage to walk a bit faster than they do.

I've ordered a new mattress for my bed, it's coming next Monday, they're taking away the old mattress which I'm grateful for.  It's about time I had a new mattress, my present one must be 7 or 8 years old and has a pronounced dip where I lay.  We're going to Dunelm tomorrow, I'll get some new pillows for both of us and have a look at their homewares sale.

Thank you all once again for the kind and helpful comments, I do appreciate them.  May I please take this opportunity to remind people that anonymous comments won't be published - if you don't have a Blogger account or your computer settings won't allow you to sign in, just a first name (or nickname!) posted at the end of your comment will do just fine, I'm not asking for your full name or contact details, I'm not a stalker 😉😂.  It's just nice to know who's commenting.

Oh, and I've just applied for my bus pass, so I can get out and about more.  Been meaning to do it for weeks, just haven't got round to it until now.

Lacking in self confidence

 Thank you all so much for the kind and helpful suggestions.....well, mostly helpful, other than the one who baldly and forthrightly stated "You need to get a life" - well, yes, thanks for that! 😐

I know I'm isolated, very isolated.  This is partly my own fault, but not all.  Where we lived before in the very rural tiny hamlet, everyone knew everyone and I had a couple of good friends who I saw a lot of, for coffee and chats.  Here I have no-one I'm close to - whilst I do know most residents in our little cul de sac of just 11 homes, and the nearest residents in the private houses, most are considerably older than me and very disabled or even housebound.  There are 2 women who are around my age, but I'm not really close to either of them for various reasons.  Also, if I strike up a conversation with anyone nearby, husband almost immediately appears and butts in, taking over the conversation - he's not being controlling, per say, he just can't help himself, he's always been the life and soul of the party and a big talker.  We are polar opposites - husband always the centre of attention, loud and talkative, he could talk the hind legs off a donkey, whereas I've always been the one in the background, observing more than joining in. 

Also, as I've often said before and some of you referenced in your comments, I can't drive and whilst there is a bus service (albeit not entirely reliable) nearby, not everywhere is accessible by bus.  I've been googling for carers groups, there are a few in Minehead and surrounds, I've not yet investigated all of them in depth.  One of them I don't apparently fit the criteria for, a couple of others I couldn't get to unless husband took me.....which kind of defeats the object of me having time on my own without him.  He could, of course, simply drop me off there and pick me up again later, but he'd probably moan about that.  I still have a couple more to check out though.  

I've looked at the list of activities held in our local village hall - most of them don't interest me but there is one that does - Tai Chi classes.  I've never done Tai Chi before, but it does appeal to me because of the apparently gentle movements, with no requirement for being fit as a gym bunny.  I did try yoga for 3 or 4 sessions whilst living at the last place, it didn't really suit me though as most of the movements or poses were done on the floor - whilst I can just about get down on the floor, because of my back, hip and knee problems (and now my shoulder), I have great difficulty getting up again.  I've emailed to ask for further details.  Oh and a bonus, I know husband wouldn't be remotely interested in it so it would definitely be something I could do on my own, and it's only 5 minutes walk away.

The fact of being so isolated here, despite loving living here, husband being increasingly grumpy and confrontational, and losing my friends (including my best friend of many years, that friendship ended very acrimoniously) has eroded my self confidence big time.  So, whilst I know I do need to get out more and join a few things, it's an extremely daunting, if not frightening, prospect, I'm not the most courageous of people.  And I don't want to feel bullied into doing something I'm not comfortable with.

Things have to change, although I don't know how!

 I've been reflecting on this past year, as I'm sure many of us do at this time of year, and have come to the conclusion that I have no life of my own.  That might sound melodramatic, but it's true - my everyday life consists of carrying out husband's needs and wants, organising his appointments etc, and clearing up all his messes, things that have gone awry and the general chaos he creates, often unwittingly, on a daily basis.  And of course all the housework, planning and cooking meals - husband is oblivious to all that, he clearly thinks we have a house elf (a la Harry Potter) or a housework fairy.  This morning, for example, he announced there's a mouldy cucumber in the fridge - so why didn't he take it out, rather than leaving it for the (clearly not doing her job properly) house elf to deal with?  Because it simply doesn't occur to him to do it, that's why....it's my job!

Husband's daily life consists of watching TV, eating 3 square meals a day plus snacks, playing games or watching endless stupid little car reels on his computer, and falling asleep in between times - even whilst sitting in front of his computer.  To be fair, the falling asleep he can't help, it's the combination of his meds and the heart failure not pumping enough oxygenated blood around his body.  He's been told several times by both his GP and his cardiologist that he must keep active, both physically and mentally, to ensure he stays as healthy as possible.  I do try to push him to do things, little jobs etc, go for longer walks with the dog (he takes her out for 2 10-minute brief strolls around the block), but, to be honest (I hate that expression, it kind of implies one lies the rest of the time!), the moaning, grumpiness and downright sarky comments and scowls that ensue mean it's not worth it, I give in for a quiet life.  Not that I ever get a quiet life!!  

Husband is quite predictable, there are lots of things that I know are going to happen every day - he drops things or knocks things over, he stumbles into me and knocks me into the wall or door frame, he loses things constantly, he asks things that I've already answered several times, he constantly denies that he's done something - or I have.  In other words, he's always right and I'm always wrong.  I know I'm going to have to repeat things to him a couple of dozen times a day, every day.  He does often throw a curve ball though and comes out with some new crazy idea that will become his latest obsession for a few days, couple of weeks or sometimes longer.

One of you lovely readers said something the other day (I think it was Jane in London) about the importance of setting boundaries, as the person we care for doesn't always realise we both need boundaries.  Yes I agree - but what if the loved one either doesn't remember or simply disregards those boundaries?  As an example, some of you may remember that I always go to bed around an hour before husband does, as by the end of the day I'm in desperate need of some quiet time to myself, to process the day, read and just relax for a while so I can go to sleep.  I've told husband numerous times that he shouldn't come into my room after I've gone to bed, unless it's important or he needs something.  But he does keep coming in, mainly to tell me about things he's just seen on the TV!  I would say 60-70% of the time he's just forgotten the rule, the rest of the time he just totally disregards it.  I usually try to have an hour or 2 in my room in the afternoons, after I've done all my jobs - I use the time to do banking or admin stuff on the computer, do a meal plan and shopping list, look up a couple of recipes, send a couple of emails or answer messages.  Once again husband is asked, or reminded, not to keep disturbing me with pointless, inconsequential or unimportant stuff.....does he take notice of that?  Nope, not at all.  I don't see how I can get him to stick to boundaries, when he either can't remember or just tramples all over them.  It's like the rules don't apply to him, and that I'm at his beck and call 24/7.

Well, somehow or other things have got to change, or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or end up walking out altogether.  Happy new year?  Not if it's more of the same.

So that was that

 I spent several hours in my bedroom yesterday, keeping out of husband's way.  He's obviously having a bad time lately, he's been SO argumentative, he contradicts everything I say and seems to just want to pick a fight all the time.  He disagreed with the way I was cooking his gammon, so in the end I just told him to do it himself and I would have no further involvement with it.  He's done nothing but criticise my cooking lately, which irritates me as I've been cooking for about 50 years so like to think I do actually know what I'm doing!

There were just 3 programmes on TV yesterday that I wanted to watch - The Nutcracker by the Royal Ballet, Strictly Christmas special and Call the Midwife.  The first two husband moaned about, but I insisted I was watching them and pointed out he has full control over the TV pretty much all day every day - he does have a TV in his room so could always go watch something else in there!

Although sunny yesterday, it was bitterly cold with a very strong wind - if it hadn't been so cold I'd have gone out for a very long walk, but I just can't cope with the freezing cold and icy winds nowadays.

So I sat in my room and got a lot of reading done, with Betty in her bed beside my chair - she does like to be with me all the time.  The church bells were ringing, sunshine and blue sky through the window, it was rather nice actually.  I got a few messages from family and friends and replied, and looked at a few nurseries and plant suppliers websites, getting some ideas for next year's garden.

Husband is very irritable with Betty lately too and keeps shouting at her when she's a bit lively or being 'naughty' - he just cannot accept that she's merely reacting to him and his attitude.  She's always been a strong-minded, stubborn and lively dog, although not so much now she's older.....but I have no trouble with her at all when husband is out (or asleep), she's as good as gold with me.

Next year is for me

 I am so tired right now - not through lack of sleep, although that has been a factor this week, but more because it's been a very long and hard couple of weeks.  Husband has been downright bloody hard work lately, and it's worn me out.  Enough of that, I'm not going to sit here rehashing it and writing it all down.

Tomorrow I'll get all the frozen veggies and accompaniments, plus the gammon for husband, out of the freezer, ready for cooking (the gammon) and reheating (everything else) on Christmas Day.  I'll make the trifle tomorrow afternoon - I've just told husband what it is and he's already turned his nose up.  Well, no-one's forcing him to eat it (although I'm sure he will!), but I'm having something I like and want for a change.  Dinner tomorrow night will be an easy one, homemade sausage rolls out of the freezer, with baked beans and scrambled eggs.  Afterwards I'll sit in my room, put my Christmas CDs on and reminisce with my siblings on WhatsApp about our mother, with a glass of ginger wine to drink, it being the 6th anniversary of her passing.

I almost never make new year's resolutions - they hardly ever get stuck to so what's the point, is my view.  But I've decided that next year I am going to take more care of myself and look after my own health.  When you're a carer, inevitably your own wants and needs take a back seat, any health problems you may have get pushed to one side and largely ignored, the needs of the person you care for always take precedence.  But the bottom line is that we really do need to take care of ourselves as carers - if we're not fit and able, then who looks after the caree, who does everything needed, who runs the house and the day to day life stuff?

So I'm setting a few goals and plans for myself for next year, and will endeavour to stick to them.  Roll on January!

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes, much appreciated.  Merry Christmas to you all xx

Signing off

 Now it's Christmas week, I can feel my mood dropping.  The bottom line is I don't really like Christmas, for lots of reasons, and I can't and won't pretend I do, just for the sake of not being negative - sorry to those who think my blog is very negative but hard luck, this is life, my real life, and I'm not stating it any other way.  Husband has been a big pain in the backside for the past week or so, which makes things even harder, and I always feel very alone at this time of year.

But hey, it's the Winter Solstice today, shortest day, so things can only get better and brighter from now on!

For those who expressed an interest, this is the foot spa from Lidl I bought myself.  I'll do a review on it sometime when I get round to using it.

I may not post much for the next few days or so, if I don't then I'll take this opportunity to wish all my genuinely lovely readers the Christmas of their dreams.  Thank you all for your kindnesses.  xx

PS - to Sue of Hard up Hester blog - I hope the move goes smoothly and you and Beano have the best Christmas ever! xx

That's it

 We got to Lidl at 7.10 yesterday morning, there were only a handful of other customers - plenty of staff though filling shelves.  By the time we left around 20 mins later, lots of people were arriving, so I was glad we went so early.

I got all the cheap fresh veggies, they're now in my teatowel-lined veggie box out in the car port, where they'll stay fresh for at least a week.  I also wanted a pack of 4 salmon fishcakes Lidl were advertising on their website, sadly they didn't have any, the staff member said none had been delivered, they don't always get everything that's advertised.  Nor did they have any mince pies!!  How odd.  Never mind, I have a jar of mincemeat, and pastry in the freezer, so can always make my own.  I do have one box of Tesco luxury range all butter ones in the larder box under my bed.

One extra thing I got from their middle aisle was an electric foot spa bath, I've been wanting one for ages - it's my Christmas present to myself.  Husband wants to get a new desk chair, which he says will be his combined Christmas and birthday present to himself (his birthday is 8 January).

My blood results are already posted on my NHS account online, they're all fine (the GP's comment is 'satisfactory').  The only one that isn't is my cholesterol, which is a bit on the high side - it always is actually, it's not drastically or concerningly high though - the GP has written 'patient declines statins' 😂 - yes I do.  So there's actually no real need for me to go for my 3rd review appointment, I shall probably cancel it - why go just to be told results that I already know, and for them to once again try to browbeat me into agreeing to have a statin prescribed, as they do every time?  I might attend the 2nd appointment though, as that's for the foot check.

Time waste and early shop

 I went for my blood test yesterday for my annual diabetes review....I was then told I have to book another two appointments to complete the review.  What?!  Three appointments altogether, all on separate days, just for a routine annual review, what a palaver and waste of time.  Must be a new thing, never had to have three appointments before.  The irony is my diabetes has been completely stable for 10 years or so, and I can read all the results on my NHS account online anyway.  Pain in the backside.

We're going to Lidl at 7 am this morning (when they open) to get some of their very cheap (just 5p!) veg.....the reason being, they're the only place that includes shallots in the offer, and I do like shallots.  There's a couple of other things I need to get, that I'd forgotten to include in the shopping delivery we had yesterday.  And that will be that for shopping until, hopefully, the new year.  It's lovely having my shopping delivered, I must start doing it more often....well, I'll have to once husband stops driving anyway so I might as well get into the habit of doing it now.

I've not had a look through the Christmas/New Year TV guide yet, I know there are seasonal specials of Call the Midwife and Death in Paradise on because I've seen them advertised, we'll watch both of those.  Don't know about films, I'm hoping Love Actually and Elf are on, two of my favourite cheesy films at Christmas.  Two good things on TV this weekend, the Strictly final (bit uncharitable of me but I really hope Amber doesn't win, yes she's an excellent dancer - a professional one at that which is a bit naughty - but she's so needy and desperate to be liked, really puts me off her).  I'd like Karen to win, although I'd be happy for George to win instead.  The other good programme which I've really got into, despite not being a massive sci-fi fan, is The War Between the Land and the Sea, a Dr Who spin off, it's been really gripping.  I did watch Dr Who back in the day (from behind a cushion, of course!), Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker being the Doctors when I was growing up, but stopped watching after that, boys, discos and going to the pub with friends taking precedence.

I think I'll make a fruit cake for husband over the weekend - after all, I've got the Black Forest trifle to look forward to (well, I will have when I make it on Christmas Eve) which I know husband will moan about - but still eat!  So it's only fair to make something that I know he'll really like - fruit cake is his favourite, I'm not so keen.  No marzipan or icing though, he doesn't like them.

Clearing out and using up

 I took the advice of you ladies and left the corner cupboard again, my shoulder isn't pain-free yet and I know clearing out the corner base cupboard will exacerbate it again.  We did do an easier job though, we both went through our wardrobes and did a cull....with a lot of grumbling and indecisiveness from husband - he claimed he didn't know what to throw out.  Easy - whatever you haven't worn for at least 6 months, doesn't fit, or is downright scruffy!  I had to help him decide.  We both now have a dustbin bag full of clothes for the charity shop, to go with a boxful of unused or surplus china and glasses.  We've only been here 2 years (it was 2 years on the 13th Dec) but it's amazing how quickly stuff mounts up.

Relatives have cleared out the bungalow of the neighbour who passed away 2 or 3 weeks ago.  The place has been advertised for rent already, which is understandable I suppose - whilst it's empty it's not earning money for them.  We've seen a couple of people coming to peer through the windows, the official viewings aren't until January, so new neighbours sometime then.

Nasty weather yesterday and today, heavy rain showers and strong winds....it's certainly very windy here.  Forecast to be better from Friday onwards, although colder again.  I don't mind the cold (can always put another jumper on), it's the rain and gale force winds I don't like.

I've done well with using up stuff to make space in the freezer before the Christmas food shop arrives, we've had something out of the freezer every day so far.  Yesterday it was a veggie cottage pie with a garlic & cheese flatbread, today I'm making soup using home grown and frozen veggies, to be served with cheese topped rolls from the freezer.  Tomorrow will be battered fish, chips and peas, all from the freezer.

Snail's pace

 Husband has no sense of time or urgency nowadays, years ago if we were going out somewhere, he'd be sitting in the car with the engine running and tooting the horn 5 minutes before I was ready.  Now, if we need to go out, especially if it's to an appointment, I make a point of telling him first thing in the morning where we're going, what time we need to be there and the time we have to go out, I remind him again about an hour beforehand as he will almost certainly have forgotten.  Yesterday morning I wanted to be in town just before 9 am before the hordes arrived to do their Christmas shopping.  Despite having been told twice, husband was sitting watching TV, leisurely eating his breakfast, at 8.50 😒.  Consequently, it was around 9.20 (it only takes 5 minutes to drive to town) when we got there, and the high street was already full of cars, no spaces at all, so husband just dropped me off and drove around the block a couple of times until I'd finished.

He's the same with everything, ambles or sits around without a care and as if he's got all the time in the world.  He does everything at a snail's pace nowadays, he takes absolutely ages in the bathroom and then takes 20 minutes to get dressed when he comes out - what on earth does he do?!  I'm always the one standing in the kitchen waiting for him nowadays - how times change.

I got a doormat - and then saw a stand full of much nicer ones in another shop doorway on the way home, how annoying.  I also got 4 library books, they should keep me going over Christmas along with the 2 other unread ones I have already - I've renewed those online today so all 6 will have the same return date, it gets confusing otherwise.

All the reaching up and down clearing out the wall cupboards, cleaning the shelves and putting everything back on Monday played havoc with my shoulder and neck, it was really painful when I got up yesterday morning.  I decided not to do the big corner cupboard but to give my shoulder a rest, seemed the sensible thing to do.  It's not so painful today, so I'll crack on with the cupboard this afternoon, hopefully.

I really miss my Mum at this time of year, coming up to the 6th anniversary of her death.  I've been thinking about her a lot lately, she was so wise and also very funny, sometimes unintentionally.  I miss the hour long, or more, phone calls we used to have.

A sorting out day

 I didn't get to start on the punch needling, I got stuck in with several small jobs that needed doing.  A couple of my kitchen cupboards really needed a sort out, one of the wall cupboards was so bursting at the seams that things were beginning to fall out when I opened the doors....another one was nearly as bad.  Both of those got emptied out, out of date or now not used things thrown out, cupboards cleaned and stuff put back in tidily.  I need to do the deep corner cupboard too, it's not packed full but needs reorganising so things I use most often are at the front - it's mostly baking tins and dishes, graters, salad bowls etc, I'll tackle that tomorrow.  I sorted out the dog food and tablets shelf and tidied it up, and reorganised the other small corner cupboard above the washing machine, which houses the washing stuff, tea towels, bin liners etc.  We seem to have acquired far too many mugs, so I took out 5 that we no longer use and have put them in the charity shop box.

I made a small chocolate sponge cake and froze it when cool, it's to go in the Black Forest trifle for Christmas Day.  I also made cauli cheese, divided into two - one we had with dinner last night, the other I froze.  The freezer is practically rammed full now, there are quite a few homemade ready meals in there that we must have this week before the shopping is delivered at the end of the week, to make some room.  I've got out a tub of chicken stew for husband's dinner tonight, and a salmon pasta bake for me.

I asked husband what he was going to do - a scowling face was the reply.  I asked him to fix the curtain rail above the front door - one side had collapsed, he hadn't even noticed!  He did do it, but that was the extent of his jobs for the day, it must have worn him out as he dozed in front of the TV for the rest of the day. 😒  Well, as long as I keep busy and do what needs doing, then that keeps me occupied.

First thing this morning we're going to town so I can get into the library as soon as it opens at 9 am, and then go into Proper Job to get a new doormat (how exciting 😂).  When we're home I shall get on with reorganising the baking tins cupboard, then we'll be sorting through our wardrobes and drawers and taking out stuff we no longer wear for the charity shop.  I say 'we' because I've told husband he's got to do his wardrobe - he was complaining yesterday he's got no coat hangers left so he's obviously got too many clothes!  As he only wears the same few things over and over, he should have quite a bit to clear out.

Then tomorrow I should have nothing to do!

Hayley my cleaner said because of holidays, she won't be coming again until the 12th January - oh no, how will I manage?! 😱😂

Lunch out, staying in

 The lunch out we had at our favourite tea room yesterday was delicious, I should have taken a photo but forgot.  It was a Yorkshire pudding wrap, with a choice of beef or turkey, two items to choose out of sage & onion stuffing, bacon, sausage (veggie sausage option) and fried onions, then a choice of horseradish or cranberry sauce.  Husband had beef, stuffing, sausage and horseradish, I had turkey, veggie sausage, stuffing and cranberry sauce.  I'm fine with eating a little roast chicken perhaps a couple of times a month so thought I'd be fine with turkey - turned out I wasn't keen.  Not to worry, there was plenty of the other stuff in the wrap - filled to bursting actually.  The wraps were huge, cut in half - I couldn't finish mine and brought the remaining half home, along with the turkey I took out - Betty had that, they were happy to box it up for me, I had the rest of the wrap for my tea.  On the side there were absolutely delicious roast potatoes, very crisp outsides with fluffy middles, just how I like them.  And quite a big pot of thick onion gravy to dip them in.  They had a selection of cakes and desserts for afters, including iced and marzipanned Christmas cake and mincemeat slices, all homemade - we didn't have any though, too full up.

I've no need to go to the shops again this week or next - thank goodness, as everywhere will be crazy busy and the weather doesn't look good anyway.  All my Christmas and Boxing Day cooking is done and frozen, cards all sent off and hand delivered, my cleaner comes today so it's just a case of keeping the place clean and tidy after Hayley's done her super thorough cleaning and dusting.  I need to go to the library on Tuesday, and have an appointment for bloods and urine testing on Thursday for my annual diabetes review.  Other than that, I don't have much to do so am finally going to watch a few more Youtube how-to videos this week and make a start on those punch needling kits I bought (about time!).

Thanks for all the comments, much appreciated.

A stroppy teenager

 Some days are good ones, even weeks (quite rare to have a whole good week though!).  Some are....shall we say, not so good.  This past week has been one of those.

Husband has been so argumentative, he'd say black was white just to contradict me.  I don't know why he's being such a grump - I know he doesn't like Christmas in any way, shape or form (other than the stuffing his face with food aspect) but it's not just that.  He seems determined to disagree with me on almost everything - and he will argue till the cows come home.  If it's a silly little thing that's not worth arguing over, I just say 'Whatever' or 'Ok' and walk away, it's not worth getting all fired up about something trivial.  He seems to be determined to show that he's right and I'm wrong all the time - well ok, please yourself, if that's what you want.  An example - the other day he said we need some AAA batteries.  Whilst we were in Bridgwater shopping a day or 2 later, I picked up a pack in the shop, he asked why I was getting them?  Because you said we needed some, I replied.  "No I never!" was his immediate response.  I made the mistake of saying yes he did say that, which immediately prompted a snappy reply from him again insisting he never said it.  I gave up and put them back - if he now finds he does actually need some, well he'll have to go out and buy them himself.  Almost every time I say something, he contradicts me.  And for the past week he's taken to complaining about some aspect of most meals I've cooked - too spicy, I don't like garlic, I'd have preferred pasta to rice, it's not hot enough.  He left a pile of potato slices the other day (he almost never leaves food on his plate, he even eats my leftovers)....I asked why he wasn't eating them and he said they were raw!  Of course they weren't, silly man - admittedly, they could have done with another minute or 2's cooking, but they certainly weren't raw, I ate all mine!  I don't usually say anything when he's complaining, but because he was doing it so often, I did make a point a couple of times of saying he was welcome to cook all his own meals from now on, if he thought I was such a bad cook!  Funny how all these more than 40 years he's eaten everything I've put in front of him with no complaint (rarely any compliments either, it must be said).  I know he can't help it, it's the cognitive impairment which is getting worse, but it's hard to stay calm and not feel resentful or irritated.

This morning he asked if I'd ordered him a bottle of Scotch in the shopping delivery for the end of this week....I said no (with all the many meds he's on, he's not supposed to drink alcohol, although the odd small glass in moderation wouldn't hurt.  The trouble is, he doesn't know what moderation is).  I have, however, ordered a bottle of ginger wine (much less alcoholic than whisky), and one of those small individual sized bottles of red wine for him to have with Christmas lunch.  He got a strop on and insisted I order him a bottle of whisky, I refused.  If he really wants a bottle of strong alcohol, he'll have to go and buy it himself, I'm not aiding and abetting him to do something detrimental to his health.

It's like living with a stroppy teenager at the moment - and I never did want children!

Getting ahead, and it'll soon be Spring!

 I'm prepping the veggies and sides for Christmas.  I know it's only the 2 of us, but I don't want to be spending all day in the kitchen, I want to be sitting down watching TV!  I did a big trayful of roast potatoes yesterday, enough for 3 or 4 meals, I've portioned them up and frozen them.  Today I'll be roasting carrots and parsnips sprinkled with ginger and honey, making Yorkshires and doing the sprouts.  I'll halve the sprouts and cook them in a pan with a little water and butter, with the lid on so they steam.  When nearly cooked I'll add in some chopped bacon and chestnuts.  Then tomorrow morning before we go out for lunch I'll make the sage & onion stuffing, adding some more finely chopped chestnuts.  All I'll have to do on the day then is roast the gammon joint, of which I'll probably have half a thin slice (I'll cut it myself, husband always cuts great thick slabs of meat, which I really cannot eat), and do the cabbage.....I'm not keen on pre-cooked and frozen cabbage, I prefer it fresh.  The rest of the veggies, Yorkies and stuffing can then be reheated in the microwave and/or the smaller air fryer whilst the meat joint is in the ninja.  I'll make the trifle Christmas Eve afternoon.

Today is the anniversary of my lovely friend's death, she died in 2020 and I couldn't go and see her during her terminal illness or go to her funeral as it was during the lockdowns.  She died at home, thankfully (she had been in a hospice but wanted to be home for end of life), so was able to have her wonderful caring partner and daughter with her.  Must have been so awful for those who died in hospital or a care home, not being able to have their nearest and dearest with them at the end.  That was one of the most monstrous things about lockdown, I think.  So that's two of my December sad things (the first would have been my beloved Auntie Sylvie's birthday on the 4th).  Then there's the death anniversaries of my Mum on Christmas Eve and my Nanna on Boxing Day.  

Just over a week to go till the Winter Solstice when the days start getting longer, and only 19 days till 1st January.  Hasn't this year gone quick?  I love New Year, old year done and dusted and lots of (hopefully) lovely new things to look forward to, including Spring which is my absolute favourite season of the year.  Speaking of which, lots of the bulbs I planted are poking through the soil already, I'm so looking forward to seeing them all in flower, fills my heart with joy.

Never again

 Husband announced he'd like to come with me to Bridgwater 😒 so I said if that was the case, it would be better if we went by car rather than on the shoppers bus - there isn't much room on it (it's an older style coach) and we're very squashed together for a start.  More importantly though, the whole journey there and back and including the time at the shops takes almost 5 hours.  That's ok if it's just one of us and the other stays home with Betty, but I don't like leaving her home alone for longer than 4 hours really, especially now she's getting older.  The car journey there and back yesterday meant we were only out for just over 3 hours.  I wasn't too keen on the idea of having husband trailing around with me, but as he likes different shops to me, I suggested he go his way and I go mine, and we'd meet up in a cafe when done.  However, on the way husband suddenly said he'd left his wallet at home, even though I'd specifically asked him if he'd got his wallet and phone just before we left (he didn't have his phone either, he'd forgotten to pick them both up).  I suppose I could have got some cash out of the machine for him, but as it happened he decided to wait in the car for some of the time, as he didn't want to go in the shops I was going to and it transpired he didn't really want or need to buy anything anyway, so I was able to do a bit of browsing and shopping without him.  I did get everything I wanted - however, it was sooooo busy in every shop, which I hate.  Even worse, loads of people seemed to be just dithering about, wandering aimlessly and getting in my way.  When I go shopping I nearly always know exactly what I want and like to just get in, get it and get out asap, especially if the place is crowded.  I'm never going shopping in December again!  😂😂

My shoulder seems to be less painful, it's been getting a little bit better every day for the past few days (*whispers in case I jinx it* 😁).  I suspect because I've given in and been taking the cocodamol 3x daily.  Long may it continue.... although I don't want to be taking the cocodamol indefinitely.

Nice sunny and mild weather forecast for a couple of days, so we ought to get outside and make the most of it.

Plodding on and getting small jobs done

 Morning everyone, much better weather today, the first load of washing is almost done and ready to be hung on the line outside.  Husband is off to the gym shortly, and then to the supermarket to pick up a couple of things I'd forgotten to add to the list, so that gives me around 1.5 hours to get things done here.  I'm making the sausage rolls and little cheesy turnovers to freeze, and chopping veg for dinner later.

I finished writing the Christmas cards yesterday, we'll deliver them over the next few days.  No clues yet as to who the anonymous card giver is - well, they're not anonymous, I just can't read their signature!  It's very loopy and kind of decorative writing, so I'm assuming it's a woman, and probably a youngish one.  I had to laugh at Rambler's suggestion that their dog is probably not a Rotty or Alsation, e.g., with a name like Peach!  I'm sure you're right, it's most likely some little fluffy thing.

We collected the CD player/radio I'd ordered, I'm really pleased with it.  It's quite a cheap one, but all the reviews mentioned how good the sound quality is - and it really is, much better than my last one which sounded quite tinny and the radio on that one always crackled too, this one sounds crisp.  It's a Bush and cost £29.99 from Argos, if anyone's interested.

I'd just like to clear up something with regard to niece's Motability car, one of my readers made a comment about it....incidentally, I've noticed before that they seem to like pulling me up on things that I've mentioned.  The Motability rules are that the vehicle must be used primarily for the benefit of the disabled person, even if they're not in the vehicle.  My niece doesn't drive, her husband does.  He mostly works from home but has to go to the office once or twice a week....he combines these trips with getting their shopping, or collecting his wife's prescriptions or anything else she might need.  So he's not using the car solely for his benefit.  I hope that answers your concerns.

I'm thinking I might go on the shopper's bus to Bridgwater tomorrow, I've not been for a while and I'd like to browse round the shops there that we don't have here.  The weather looks ok for tomorrow too, much like today, sunny mild and dry.

The Grinch, and a lucky escape

 Strong winds are lashing heavy rain against the windows, certainly not a day to be going out.  I've got an order to collect from Argos, but it can wait until the weather gets better.  It's a CD player for my bedroom, husband was objecting to me playing my Christmas CDs on his player in the lounge 😒 (Grinch!).

I went on our family WhatsApp yesterday to ask if everyone was ok, as I hadn't heard from any of them for the past few days.....turns out I'd somehow inadvertently muted them all!  Ironically, some of them had been asking if anyone had heard from me as I'd been silent for days 😂  You have to laugh!

Niece lives in a terraced house, she and her neighbours share a communal parking area, bordered by an old stone wall.  The wall collapsed a few days ago, burying 6 cars, including niece's, under the rubble - fortunately, nobody was in their cars at the time so no-one injured.  Niece and husband's car is a brand new Motability one (niece is disabled), they've only had it a few weeks.  They've been given a temporary courtesy car which isn't ideal, as niece's wheelchair doesn't fit in it, but at least her husband can get to work and they'll soon be getting another Motability car in replacement.  They just count themselves lucky they weren't in the car at the time, doesn't bear thinking about.

It's going to be sunny all day tomorrow, apparently, so I've got 2 lots of washing to get out on the line - nothing beats the lovely fresh smell of washing dried on the line does it?

I'm going to make and freeze some sausage rolls and some brie, cranberry and stuffing little turnovers for us to have as snacks, or lunches with some salad, over the Christmas period.  That's it as far as Christmas baking is concerned, I stopped making Christmas cakes and mince pies years ago, we do prefer savoury things.  Having said that, I do have 2 boxes of bought mince pies in the larder box under my bed, along with some peanuts and crisps....if I left them in the kitchen, 'someone' (naming no names) would eat them well before Christmas.

The cards that needed posting are all done and sent off yesterday, just the hand delivered ones to do now, I'll get those written today.  Betty had a hand delivered card yesterday, addressed to Betty and her Mum and Dad....we didn't see who delivered it, nor do we know who it is - unfortunately, the signature isn't readable, it says 'love from ----- and Peach - we're assuming Peach is a dog but neither of us know who Peach is or where they live!  Obviously nearby though.  Hopefully, we'll find out soon.  How funny!

We've booked to go to our favourite tearoom for lunch this coming Sunday, they're doing Christmas dinner in a Yorkshire Pudding wrap.  There's a choice of meats etc, you can choose whatever you want in your wrap, I shall have some turkey, veggie sausage, stuffing and cranberry sauce.  The wrap comes with roast potatoes and an individual pot of gravy for dipping on the side....sounds scrummy.

Thank you for all the lovely comments, once again.

It'll soon be the winter solstice!

 ...And then the days will gradually start getting longer, thank goodness.

Thank you for the comments again.  Re drying washing indoors.....HH, my next door neighbour says she puts a small electric oil-filled radiator underneath her washing airer, she says it just fits, and dries the washing quite well.  I have one of those radiators which we used to use in the caravan, so I'm going to do the same, there'll be next to no chance of putting the washing out on the line this week.  Gill, it's good you managed to get your jab - I'm assuming it was the covid one? - even though hubby had to pay for it.  As I said, our local covid jab clinics have apparently been turning away people who want to pay for the jab privately, if they're not eligible for it under the new rules.  Seems daft to me, but there you go.  Jackie, you mentioned Harvey decorating his man cave himself - my hubby refuses to help, he's so Bah Humbug with anything Christmassy.  Although to be honest, I don't think I'd want him 'helping' anyway!  June, I agree, we're so lucky to have the NHS here, despite the problems.  You've clearly had some wonderful care from them.

Having said yesterday that my shoulder pain was much reduced, today it's back to being extremely painful - probably due to putting up the tree and decorating it yesterday, lots of stretching and reaching behind movements.  Ah well, at least the tree looks nice and I'm happy with it.

This year I've gone for mostly silver and blue baubles, with a few red things for accent.  Betty has shown her usual initial bit of interest in the tree, nudging the lower baubles, but then leaves it alone.  I've had to move her toy box though, it was underneath the tree table and she was in danger of rocking the table and possibly knocking the tree down when trying to get things out of her box.

Husband's just chopped up all the veg to go in the slow cooker, as my shoulder is so painful again, which is a big help - we're having chicken casserole today, I may or may not make dumplings to go in it later, I'll see how we feel!

I've decided to make a Black Forest trifle for Christmas, I really like cherries and chocolate.  Husband will no doubt turn his nose up as he claims not to like them, but I bet he still eats it!  For years I've cooked and served mainly things that he likes, but have recently started doing things I like to eat.  I've told him he can't always have things his own way, I'm entitled to have likes and dislikes too.

I'm going to write out the Christmas cards today, didn't get round to it yesterday, dressing the tree took longer than I anticipated.  Must remind husband to ring his daughter today too, he's getting more and more forgetful and doesn't get round to doing things like that unless I prod him.

Christmas starting, and an improvement (yay!)

 Husband's had his covid jab this morning, we were the 2nd ones there so were in and out within 5 minutes.  Due to rule changes this year and despite having had all the jabs before, I'm no longer eligible for one.  Lots of people on our local FB page have been saying they've also been to get their jabs but have been turned away, due to the new rules - even those who have offered to pay.  The clinic staff are saying they've been told to enforce the rules rigidly.  Cost cutting I guess.

This weekend I'm getting Christmas stuff done - just got the tree box out of the cupboard ready to put up and dress, and I'll be writing all the cards and posting those that need posting.  I've already gone through and edited the Christmas shopping delivery list online.

I don't go overboard on the Christmas decorations (unlike Cherie of North Yorkshire Crafting Guru blog, whose house and garden are like a Winter Wonderland!  Your decs always make me smile, Cherie).  We don't have anything on the walls or hanging off the ceiling - other than the tree, I just have a few Christmas ornaments and a glass bowl full of sparkling lights on the sideboard.  I've just looked at the sideboard....I'll have to clear it off first of all husband's junk.  He's obviously run out of space on his desk (he's very untidy) so has dumped a load of stuff on the sideboard - 2 pairs of sunglasses (erm, it's winter now!), a rechargeable battery off one of his tools (why is it even in the lounge?), a pencil stub, some screwed up tissues (yuck!), a couple of (unused!) dog poo bags, some random coins, a few old shop receipts....he obviously emptied his jacket pockets 😒

I've had notification that 2 of my library books are due back on Monday 😲 - I'm only halfway through one and not even started the other so I'll have to renew them.  Obviously not done much reading lately!

There's a definite improvement - well, drop - in my shoulder pain this morning....taking 3 or 4 regular doses of the co-codamol for the past few days is obviously working.  I'm also having one sachet of the orange-flavoured laxative drink each day, which is also working, thank goodness.  

Getting washing dry over the next few days is going to be a bit of a challenge, showers or heavier rain forecast every day, we've already had a couple of heavy showers this morning, with brief glimpses of sun in between.

Bit of a boring, nothingy post today, sorry about that!

A few hours by myself

 Husband is going on the free shoppers bus to Bridgwater today, giving me around 5 hours to myself.  He did ask if I wanted to go with him, but I politely declined....I've not had much, if any, opportunity for alone time recently, so this 5 hours will be very welcome.  I've got things to do anyway, which will be much easier without all the noise when he's around.  I need to edit my online food shop, which is arriving 18th December, there are a couple of additions and subtractions to make.  I also need to do some financial stuff, which I do need peace and quiet for, it disrupts my attention when husband is constantly chatting to me.  I also want to go through all the Christmas tree decs, I might even get the tree out and put it up.

My ceanothus shrubs arrived yesterday, 3 of them (2 blue and 1 white) well packed and in great condition, we've planted them already.  The blue ones are between 5 and 6 feet tall, the white one currently about 3ft, they'll all do a great job of giving some privacy next year when they've got a bit taller and thickened up.  I'm very pleased with them.  I'm still waiting to see what this proposed fence the neighbour is planning to erect looks like before I decide on trellising.

Rambler, you mentioned Voltarol cream and tablets - unfortunately, I cannot take anti-inflammatories as I have an adverse reaction to them.  For the past few days I've been taking 3 doses of the stronger co-codamol prescribed by the GP - I'm allowed to take 1 or 2 capsules, up to 4x daily, but have been resisting that as I really don't want to become reliant on them, codeine being addictive.  However, taking just 1 capsule 3x daily does seem to be keeping the shoulder pain to a more manageable level, so I'll carry on with that dosage for a short while.

Husband is chattering away to himself sat in front of his computer watching something or other, I don't know what.  I've just had to remind him to turn the computer off and get himself ready to go and catch the bus - he's got no sense of time or urgency, the bus is due at 10.20.

I need to do a freezer inventory before I edit the online food shop, as well as checking the contents of the larder box under my bed.

Christmas prep to keep me occupied so I don't focus on pain

 What a horrible weather day, heavy rain forecast all day and strong gusty winds, certainly won't be putting washing out today.  At least it's not that cold - not that we'll be going out anywhere.  I see Blogger is still playing silly buggers, some of the new posts from bloggers in my blog roll still aren't appearing until several hours later, whilst others appear as normal.  Makes no sense.  

My shoulder is absolutely killing me today, the pain and limited movement seems to be getting worse rather than better.  I've temporarily stopped doing the exercises the musculoskeletal specialist gave me, she did say to try and do them regularly or else my muscles will get even weaker than they currently are, but if they cause even more pain, give it a rest for a couple of days.  The stronger painkillers don't seem to be doing much, I've tried pain relief gel, Deep Heat cream, freeze spray, heat pad and cold pad, some of which offer only very limited relief, others no use at all.  At this rate, I won't be waiting the 6-8 weeks the specialist advised before going back to her, at which time she said she'll organise an x-ray and a steroid injection.  She said the x-ray will be to determine whether I have a frozen shoulder, which she thinks is possible.....whereas it would seem more logical to me to do the x-ray now?

Hayley the lovely cleaner comes this morning, so nice fresh beds, a lovely clean bathroom and all rooms thoroughly vacuumed.  She's worth every penny, and is such a nice lady as well.  Whilst she's working I'll be making some cheese scones to go with a cuppa soup for lunch.  Yesterday I made beef stew and dumplings for husband, I had a veggie stew.....he's having more of the stew for dinner today, the rest will be frozen.  I fancy a grated carrot and Cheddar stuffed omelette for my dinner, with some air fried mushrooms on the side, I do love mushrooms.  I got husband to grate the carrots, too painful for me.

I'll be getting the tree out this week and decorating it, and will start writing the Christmas cards - bought ones this year, I've not made any myself.  Husband wants to go to The Range in Taunton, they have a nice big garden centre, he wants to look for large pots and potato bags for next year's veg.  The Range also have a really lovely Christmas display which I love looking around.  I'm not actually looking for any specific decorations, but if something catches my eye I might get it.

Some answers, and Christmas

 Thank you for all the comments regarding the neighbour problems with our current lack of privacy and the potential for being even more overlooked once he converts the barn into holiday accommodation.  I'll try and answer some of the points raised here.

The neighbour has, as far as we know, already got permission for the holiday let business.  We understand the current building, a former stable (single storey) will be converted to a 2-storey, 2 bedroomed holiday cottage - and no the gable end won't be facing us.  In any case, the plans he's submitted show windows - and an upper small balcony - on all sides of the building - again, it's what we've been told, we haven't actually seen the plans ourselves.  He first submitted plans several years ago, then revised plans on several occasions since then, the last application being submitted and approved before we even moved in here.  From what we've been told, several neighbours put forward objections, although it would seem that none of these were taken into account.

The waist-high old wooden fence (the only thing left between our two properties now the neighbour has removed all the trees and shrubs from his side) is owned by our landlords.  They will only replace fencing with waist-high metal chain link fencing now (cost cutting), so no privacy there whatsoever.  We are free to put up fencing ourselves, at our own expense of course.  The trellis we are considering putting up on top of the wooden fence won't be the cheap flimsy expanding stuff, it'll be good quality hard wood trellis panels.  I've done plenty of research into climbing plants and tall quick-growing shrubs, the ceanothus (Californian blue lilac) shrubs I've chosen and ordered are large 5ft high plants - our next door neighbour has a couple which she planted last April when they were also around 5ft, they're now 6 or 7 ft high, so I'm confident they'll do the job we want them to, they should be arriving towards the end of next week.  Ceanothus come in both deciduous and evergreen varieties, I've chosen evergreen ones.  One of you suggested Leylandii - no thanks, we had them in a previous garden and they were total thugs, outgrowing the space very quickly and proving to be a huge headache.  

As I said, we had big neighbour problems in the distant past and have no desire to get involved in any problematic stuff now - at our ages we just want a quiet life.  So I think that resolving the privacy issues in our own way and from our own side of the garden is the way to go.  And, yet again, it's only me able to deal with things like this, husband is no help and nor do we have any friends or family to help, so I can only go about it in ways I know I can cope with.  Incidentally, our next door neighbours have apparently already been in touch with our landlords about the issues, but they've been no help at all.

Getting off that subject....as I've said before, December is not my favourite month as it holds so many sad memories, especially at Christmas time, which is why I'm so ambivalent about it.  I haven't been feeling remotely Christmassy thus far, I didn't even think I'd put up the Christmas tree this year.  Husband has always been very Bah Humbug about Christmas, but, somewhat oddly, in the past couple of weeks he's been talking about getting gammon, pork and lamb or beef joints in, along with several bottles of booze - so far he's mentioned he'd like whisky, ginger wine, port and red wine.  It beats me why - with regard to the meat joints....he's the only one who eats them so just how much meat does he think he's going to eat?  And Christmas is only 2 or 3 days anyway, so why does he need 3 or 4 joints of meat?  As for the booze - neither of us drinks alcohol except for possibly a glass or 2 on rare special occasions - I haven't drunk alcohol for several years now, and husband isn't supposed to drink anyway, in view of the 15 medications he takes daily, mostly for his heart issues.  I can just about understand him wanting a couple of glasses of wine with his Christmas dinner, but not a selection of assorted bottles of the strong stuff.  

Yesterday evening we went into town for the Christmas stalls and entertainment and the lights switch-on.  Town was absolutely heaving, as we knew it would be, but there was a lovely festive atmosphere with lots of families - many local crafts, gifts and foodie stalls, lots of Christmas tunes blaring out from speakers, carol singing and street entertainment.  It was all very friendly and happy, absolutely no trouble spots.  The lights switch on was great, with lots of oohing and ahhing....we didn't see the tree, far too many people to get near - once the switch on had been done, we made our way through the crowds back to the car and went home.  It actually made me feel quite festive, so I will put up the tree - I even bought a bagful of tree baubles to add to the ones I've already got. 

Sayings, and neighbour/privacy problems

 Yesterday's post and all your comments on things our parents/grandparents used to say got me wondering about what things we say that we might be remembered for.

I'm partially deaf, I can only really hear what people say if they're standing in front of me and facing me - I cannot hear them if they're behind me, or when there's a lot of background noise, like outside in the street or in a busy shop, e.g.  I also can't really hear people speaking if there are appliances in operation - like the TV, radio, hoover or microwave for example.  I certainly can't hear what someone's saying  if they're in another room.....something that husband does persistently, every single day, as he forgets every time that I'm deaf!  So the thing I'll be remembered for (I'd have it on my headstone, if I was going to have one, which I'm not!) is "I can't hear you!!".

Husband's will be "It wasn't me" - his standard and immediate response whenever anybody asks if or why he's done/not done something.....his automatic response is to deny all knowledge.  He gets that from his mother, she was exactly the same, wouldn't admit to anything even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

So what's your memorable saying likely to be?

Husband has cooked the dog food this morning, a mixture of chicken and beef mince with vegetables.  The smell of meat cooking nowadays makes me want to heave, I can only do it with the kitchen windows and outside door open, to get rid of the smell as quickly as possible.  Husband offered to do it this morning though, so I happily agreed....even though I have to wipe up all the splattered fat and meat juices afterwards, which he seems oblivious to 😒.  One job out of the way.

The neighbour whose garden backs onto our own - well, it's not a garden, he has that at the back of his house, this space is basically his car parking area across the road from his house - is having the old barn in the space converted to a holiday let, he's got planning permission.  He's doing a lot of the work himself, he's already started by digging up the row of trees and shrubs all along our shared boundary fence, a waist-high fence, he's intending to erect what he says will be a 5ft high picket type fence along his side.  As the ground on his side is quite a bit lower than our side, it will probably only be around 4ft high.  At the moment, with just the waist-high fence on our side, we are very overlooked and have no privacy in our garden or our back windows - kitchen and my bedroom.  Once the barn is converted (it's currently single-storey but will be two-storey - and with a small balcony - when completed) we'll have even less privacy.  Our next door neighbours are similarly affected.  I can't imagine how he got planning permission, actually - it was applied for and granted before we moved here.  We're not at all happy about it but don't know what we can do - I doubt whether complaints to the Planning Dept would be taken into consideration when the plans have already been approved.  So we've been thinking about what to do from our side that will give us more privacy.  We're going to have trellising put up all along the top of our fence, so we can grow climbers up it, for a start, although we're not doing it until the neighbour has put his fence up.  I don't want to put our trellising up only for it to give him an excuse not to put up high - or even any - fencing on his side, so we'll wait to see what his new fence is like first.  I've also ordered some tall shrubs - after googling for suitable evergreen flowering shrubs that will get to around 6 or 7 ft high, I decided on Ceanothus, Californian lilacs, they're arriving next week I think, they're currently around 5ft tall apparently.  So they will give us some added privacy.

It's always difficult I think when there are neighbour problems.....he's friendly enough but is a bit of a loud arrogant type who acts like he's lord of the manor (he lives in a big old stone house).  I don't want to fall out with neighbours, having had neighbour problems in years past.  Our next door neighbour years ago first started a dog breeding business from his back garden, you can imagine the noise and smell that caused, then when the Council put a stop to that, he moved out but rented the house out to a couple of prostitutes who ran a brothel from there!  The police 'encouraged' them to leave, thankfully.  So basically we'll just resolve the privacy problem from our side, as far as we can.

Mum's sayings

 Happy Hooker commented yesterday on something my Mum used to say to us as kids - if she asked us to do something which we didn't want to do, she would say "What's up with you, got a bone in your leg?".  It got me thinking about other things Mum said, which made no sense to me at the time but I knew they generally meant 'do it or else', or something along those lines.  E.g. - "If the wind changes your face will stay like that" - if we were scowling or looking miserable.  "Do you want me to come over there and slap your backside?" - I always had the urge to answer her back and say 'yes go on then' but was savvy enough to know that she would if I did!  "Don't go out with wet hair, you'll catch your death of cold" - really?!  "Get that muck off your face and put some clothes on, you're not going out like that!" - during my teenage years when I was pushing the boundaries and wanting to follow fashion.  "Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll get square eyes" - this was always my brothers being told that.  "Just wait till your father gets home, then you'll know what's what!" - said when Mum was fed up with trying to deal with our squabbles.  As we were nearly always in bed asleep by the time he got home, we hardly ever saw him anyway so it was a bit of an empty threat.  Then there was "Eat your greens, there are starving kids in Biafra who'd be glad of that".  Again, I always wanted to say 'well send it to them then!' - and sometimes did say it, which often earned me a clip round the ear....I was quite a defiant child and frequently answered back.  We were also often told "Eat your dinner or you'll get it for breakfast".....although I don't ever recall Mum actually doing that.  What did you get told as a child?

The hairdresser, Bethany, was lovely and did a really good cut, so I'll be having her regularly from now on.

It's the Christmas lights switch on in the town tomorrow evening, lots going on, carols, lantern parade, farmers market, local food and craft stalls, most shops staying open late, and free parking in all town car parks.  The weather looks ok, so we're planning on going.

Nice walk, albeit cold, and getting husband motivated

 We had bright sunshine all day yesterday, which was lovely, although it was still cold.  I'd put washing out on the line first thing in the morning....when I got it in though about 3.30, it was still nearly as wet as when I'd put it out, the sun doesn't really get into our back garden this time of year and there was next to no wind to move the washing around either.

We decided to drive into town and go for a walk by the harbour - well, I decided, husband would have been happy to doze in his armchair in front of the endless same old boring daytime crap on the TV.  But I feel it's important to get out and about while we can, both for exercise and mental health reasons.  I think we also need to make the most of the sunshine during the winter, rather than just being stuck indoors all the time.  It was nice to be out and about, but was very cold - like our back garden, the sun wasn't over the harbour so was blimmin freezing in the shade.  The harbour cafe wasn't open either, which was annoying (it's on winter opening hours, so just weekends basically) - we'd have had a cup of hot chocolate if it had been.  Never mind, we had one when we got home.  I took a few photos:-

The steep hillside garden of one of the cottages facing the harbour - very steep climb up loads of steps to the sitting area at the top, but worth it I should think for the wonderful views they must get over the harbour from up there.

Lovely view across the Bristol channel, such a bright day that the coastline of south Wales was clearly visible.

I've got some stuff to do on the computer this morning, then this afternoon a mobile hairdresser is coming to cut my hair.  First time of having her, I asked on the local FB page for recommendations and her name was mentioned several times.  If I like her and the cut, then I'll be having her regularly from now on.

Over the past week or so, I've been having a problem with my blog roll - some posts from blogs I regularly read aren't appearing on my daily new post roll for several hours, or even until the next day - and that includes my own new posts.  If I look up the blogs individually from my blog roll their new posts are there, but not shown on the daily blog roll for some unknown reason.  Anybody else found this, or is it just me?

Because husband has no hobbies and the jobs he does are mainly outside/garden ones, during the winter he rarely does anything or goes out, except for his gym hour 3x weekly - and even then he doesn't always go if the weather's bad or he's 'got a bone in his leg' as my Mum used to say when us kids didn't want to do something!  So, unless I prompt him to do something or get us to go out somewhere, during winter if left to his own devices he would simply vegetate his life away, doing nothing at all.  He would literally doze in his armchair in front of the telly all day long, every day.  Not good for him at all, and it irritates me when I'm busy (I can always find something to do) and the blasted TV is blaring away to itself whilst he's asleep.  He grumbles when I insist on us going out and doing something, but I just remind him that I'm looking after both his health and mine, we need to keep active or we'll become immobile.  It is a bit of an uphill struggle though to keep him motivated.

Oh dear, and not a lot else

 Not a good start to the day (or week) - husband went out to the car to go to the gym but discovered the front driver's side tyre was flat as a pancake.  He's not up to changing wheels/tyres now (and in any case apparently we've only got one of those temporary space saver spare tyres), so called a local mobile tyre fitter.  He's just been and changed the tyre (it was a screw stuck in it which had caused the puncture), he checked the other front tyre and said that needs changing too, as the tracking is out and has caused uneven wear.  Husband's just gone to the garage to have another tyre fitted and tracking seen to - so an expensive day.  Oh well, needs must.

I've made a lovely caramelised leek (our own homegrown leeks), sun dried tomato and cheese tart for dinner, to use up a couple of lumps of cheeses which needed using quickly.  Also made an Eve's pudding to get rid of some bruised apples......bit of nostalgia, Mum used to make Eve's puddings a lot when we were kids, or she sometimes used tinned peaches, pears or pineapple instead of the apples.  We had puddings quite a lot when we were young, I suspect to fill up us growing kids with hollow legs.  Nowadays, we rarely have them, although saying that, husband usually has a flavoured yogurt, or sometimes custard with a sliced banana.  I generally have a piece of fruit if I fancy something sweet to finish off.

Going to town to have a wander round the shops tomorrow, not done that for a while, I need to go to the library too.

Nothing else going on, so not much to say, sorry!  Shoulder is still extremely painful, I'm trying to ignore it, I'm doing the exercises daily as recommended.

Exercises

 The musculoskeletal specialist was the same lady I saw around 18 months ago, back then she diagnosed a rotator cuff injury to my left shoulder.  This time it's the right shoulder, she says it's also a rotator cuff injury with subacromial (spelling?) pain, whatever that is, I haven't googled it.  She said it may also be a frozen shoulder.  She did a lot of manipulations to my arm and shoulder and said it's significantly weaker than the left one.  She doesn't think it's arthritis or osteoporosis though, which I was concerned about, so that's good.  She's referred me to physio but said the referral will take months to come through, as they're very short staffed and have a huge backlog.  In the meantime, she's given me a sheet of exercises to do daily, to build up the muscle strength.  If things haven't improved in 8 weeks, I'm to go back to her and she'll arrange for a steroid injection and x-ray.  

After all the manipulations she did, my shoulder currently hurts like hell and is keeping me awake, hence why I'm writing this at 03.50 am.  I've already had painkillers and am now sitting in my recliner chair with my hot wheat bag on the shoulder, although even the weight of the bag hurts...the warmth is nice though.

Husband wants us to go and buy some meat for him for Christmas, he wants a gammon and a pork joint.  I've not really thought about what I might have, Christmas isn't really on my horizon yet.  I do like salmon though, so perhaps that.  

The neighbour who died was 90, so a long life, and was apparently reclusive and solitary by choice.  I wonder what she did all day? She had no pets and clearly wasn't a gardener.

Mortality

 It was a bit of an unsettling day yesterday, one of the residents of our little cul de sac died.  When we first moved here, we were given a quick rundown of who lived where, so we could identify our new neighbours.  The lady in question, we were told, was an elderly lady on her own who was housebound and a recluse, she apparently didn't appreciate visitors.  In all the time we've lived here (2 years next month, where did that go?) I have never seen her....husband saw her very briefly once back in the summer when he went and knocked on her door, having noticed a parcel on her doorstep for 2 or 3 days.  He said she took a while to open the door, then simply took the parcel, said a very quick thank you and shut the door without any conversation.  Of course, living in a sheltered housing community of elderly and disabled people, deaths are bound to happen on a fairly regular basis, we know of 3 others this year on the far side of the complex.  It makes us aware of our own mortality as we're getting older ourselves.

Winter is my least favourite time of year, I really don't like the cold and often rainy/windy weather, I seem to feel the cold much more nowadays.  December is a sad month for me, particularly around Christmas time, which is why I'm quite ambivalent about it.  My mother died on Christmas Eve, my beloved Nanna on Boxing day, and a very good friend of mine on the 13th December.  My lovely aunt, Mum's youngest sister who was just 12 years older than me and more like my big sister, had her birthday on 4th December, although she actually died in July.  So the sooner December ends, the better as far as I'm concerned.  It's the winter solstice on 21st December, after which the days start gradually getting longer - that's only 30 days away and the time will go quickly, so I look forward to that.

It's a hard frost and very cold this morning, although it's bright sunshine.  I have washing to go out, but am waiting for the sun to get rid of the frost first (hopefully!) before I brave the cold to put the washing on the line.

I have my diagnostic appointment with the musculo-skeletal specialist this afternoon, hopefully I'll get some answers and a treatment plan.  This constant and very debilitating shoulder pain is really getting me down, the strong painkillers do take the edge off the pain but I'm reluctant to take the full 4 doses per day - well I just don't, I only take 1 or 2, they make me terribly constipated (for which I have another med to relieve that) and a bit woozy and spaced out.  I'm not a fan of taking especially painkilling meds anyway - if you take the full doses on a regular basis then your body gets used to them and they're no longer so effective.  And then there's the problem of having to take a further med to counteract the side effects, which I really don't like having to do.  But needs must at the moment.

The lovely sunshine does appear to be burning off the frost, so I think it's probably warm enough to go and put my washing out now - with a fleece jacket and fingerless gloves on!  We've no snow forecast down here - have you got snow where you are?

A way round it, and a day out

 Thank you for all the suggestions, I had to laugh at the couple of longer ones, they did make me smile!

Putting stickers on my foods that I didn't want husband to eat wouldn't really work - he would very quickly forget what they were for (and might even think they meant the foods were for him!), and after a few days he probably wouldn't even notice them, especially as he rarely looks at labels anyway.  The suggestions about putting my foods into plastic boxes with a big label on the top saying "Do not eat" might work.  For the time being, though, I have now pushed all 'my' foods right to the back of the fridge and cupboards, as husband mainly just grabs whatever is right in front of his nose and rarely searches for things.  As an example, a couple of days ago he declared we'd got no peanut butter left - I knew we most certainly had, as I'd bought 3 jars recently.....we like the Whole Earth brand which is quite expensive, so when it's on special offer I buy 2 or 3 jars at a time.  The open jar was in the cupboard, 'hiding' behind a new jar of jam so husband couldn't see it as it wasn't literally directly in front of his eyes.  So I'll give it a week or so now I've put all my stuff at the back of the shelves and see if he finds them!  

Our freezer is a tall upright one with (I think) 7 drawers, all organised into types of foods, and husband has a drawer to himself full of his meat products, I have one with all my veggie and fish things - it's been that way forever so it's not like he doesn't know about it.  So he went into my drawer to get out one of my Linda McC mozzarella veggie burgers the other day (I'd had one and put the other into a plastic bag back in the freezer, discarding the box), probably because he couldn't find his own beef burgers in his drawer....again because they were underneath something so not immediately visible 😒.  I'm not sure whether it didn't occur to him that it wasn't an actual beef burger, or he just didn't care as he just wanted a burger, regardless of what it was.

Incidentally, he nipped to town yesterday to fill the car up before fuel goes up in the Budget, and came back with 3 jars of my favourite salmon spread, so he obviously felt guilty, bless him!

It's a bright sunny day, albeit very cold.  We're going out for lunch to Doniford Farm Park, they have a nice cafe which does a few veggie options, and then we'll have a look at all the animals, we'll be wrapped up well so shouldn't get too cold.  There's a nice deli food counter and lots of gifts in the shop, although they're a bit pricy so might not actually buy anything.  There are lovely views over the Bristol channel right at the end of the park.  It's free entry and parking as well, which is a rarity nowadays.

It's all so frustrating

 I've mentioned before that husband has a big appetite, he likes 3 good meals a day, plus snacks in between, he's a committed carnivore and will eat almost anything.  By comparison, I have a quite limited diet - my own choice, I prefer simple mostly veggie meals with some fish.  I will occasionally (about once or twice a month) eat a little bit of chicken or a couple of chipolatas.  I don't always eat breakfast...for lunches, unless I've made something specific like a roast veg quiche or a veg frittata, we generally get our own lunches.  I have something like cheese and crackers with some fruit, or a bowl of soup and slice of sourdough toast.....husband prefers something more substantial like eggs and beans on toast with fried tomatoes, or bowl of soup with a couple of sandwiches.  He always eats breakfast, 2 or 3 slices of toast with cheese or banana, or cereal with sliced banana followed by toast.  I do a cooked meal in the evening, generally some sort of stew or mince for husband (or pork loin chops or steak, which he cooks himself whilst I do the accompanying veg).  I have something lighter and smaller, like a jacket spud with beans & cheese plus a side salad, or garlic & herb mushrooms on sourdough toast.

Bearing in mind that I have a much more limited diet than husband, I usually buy things for me that I really like - such as soups for when I'm not in the mood for making my own, fish pastes to have on crackers, cheeses that I really like (I like all cheese actually), nuts that I like - cashews and almonds.  I do also buy the equivalent things that husband prefers, such as meaty soups, meat pastes, walnuts and brazils which I don't like.

This morning I fancied breakfast, a slice of toast with salmon paste (there was an open jar in the fridge which needed using up)....only to find that husband had eaten my salmon paste, leaving his own ham and beef one in the fridge, he claimed he hadn't noticed!  This isn't an isolated incident, him eating my stuff happens regularly - over the past couple of weeks he's had both my Broccoli & Stilton and Tomato & Basil soups, the last of my cashew nuts, the blue Dolcelatte cheese (which he claims he doesn't like!) which I was planning to have melted into mushrooms for my tea tonight.  Plus one of my Linda McCartney mozzarella veggie burgers, rather than his own beef ones (again he claimed he didn't notice, which I find hard to believe).  

He can - and does - eat anything, whilst I won't eat most of what he eats.  It's so frustrating, he always claims he didn't realise it was mine or that I wouldn't mind - he never asks first, just assumes.  I know that he sometimes probably genuinely gets things (like the salmon paste and his ham & beef one) mixed up because he doesn't read the labels, but that doesn't excuse him eating my cashew nuts simply because he's finished his own walnuts, or my Dolcelatte cheese which he professes not to like.  Again, it's only a relatively small thing, but it sometimes feels like I'm not allowed anything of my own.

Getting on with jobs, and a new craft

 Yesterday was a lovely bright sunny one.  Our treasure of a cleaning lady Hayley came so, once Betty had said hello to her, we went outside to get out of her way.  We planted the rest of the new Spring bulbs, plus the ones I'd pulled up and saved in a big tub from last year, some went in pots, some in the garden.  I also did some weeding, cutting back of dead stuff and light pruning of roses.  I was pleased to have done it all, the garden looks tidy and ready for winter now and the newly planted bulb pots have all been put in place where we can see them from the windows.  This morning, however, my bad shoulder along with my hips, knees and lower back are screaming with pain, I've sprayed my shoulder with the freeze spray and taken painkillers, so hopefully the pain will settle soon.  So today I'm not doing anything strenuous and will be sitting doing some stuff on the computer.  Husband said as I'll be working on the computer, so will he on his computer(!!).....the difference being I'm actually working, whereas he'll be watching daft video reels of cars crashing, playing games and scouring ebay for things to buy that we don't need! 😒  I've suggested that he puts things on his 'watch' list rather than buying them immediately, so he can show me later and I'll be able to, hopefully, stop him buying any unnecessary rubbish.

Once I've done the few necessary admin things on the computer, I need to do a freezer inventory and then a menu plan and shopping list.  Then this afternoon I shall look for and watch a few tutorial videos on how to do punch needling - I saw some kits advertised on FB and thought that looks like fun, so ordered 3 kits....2 easy beginner type ones and one a bit more advanced.  They've all arrived, each kit comes with everything needed.  However, as I've never done this sort of craft before, I thought watching a few tutorials will be a good idea first.  It's a new craft for me to do during the winter, in between reading and possibly making a few Christmas cards.  Have any of you done punch needling?

Thank you all again for the warm comments, I do appreciate you all.

Mixed sunshine and showers today and quite cold - day-long sunshine forecast for the next 3 days but even colder, the winter duvets are on the beds and the heating on most of the day.  How lucky we are to have a lovely warm home.

A regular day

 Have you noticed how much we're being bombarded on the TV with charity adverts begging for money this year?  It seems like there are so many more than in previous years, I guess every charity is feeling the pinch as presumably their costs are higher at the same time as people are giving less, as finances are tighter for everyone.  Every one of these ads is designed to pull at our heart strings - I know all these bad things happen, but I'm not being guilt-tripped into giving to all - we have a couple of charities close to our family's hearts which we donate to, we regularly donate things to charity shops and buy good quality second hand things from them too.  That's all we can do, and will continue to do.  I am grateful for our lovely warm home and everything we have.

I'm also grateful for your comments, including from those of you who haven't commented before, thank you.

Here's a little snippet of things I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I've said before how husband doesn't listen to me, and actively disregards any suggestions I may make when he's sounding off about one of his latest madcap ideas.  I suggest things because they might be a better, safer, more logical or cheaper way of doing whatever it is he's planning now, not because I want to stop him from doing things - he is just as entitled to have ideas as I am.  Over the past few weeks, as well as dismissing what I have to say, he's now taken to rolling his eyes and heaving a big sigh practically every time I say something.  Which is quite irritating, but I just let it go - there's no point in making a big issue over what is essentially a minor thing, even though it's disrespectful and sometimes downright rude.  I'm not a doormat though, if he's really out of order I do let him know about it.

He's now come up with 2 suggestions (for that read crazy ideas, his latest fixations) for things to do with our finances.....just when I'd spent a few days sorting them out - and involving him too, I don't just make financial decisions without his input, if only in a limited way.  One of his ideas is possibly workable, to a degree, although it would involve some complicated setting up by me....the other has no merit and makes no sense whatsoever.  He can't see that though, despite my explaining why.  I've just told him I'll give it some thought, but I know he'll be going on and on about it for the next however many days or weeks it'll be until he forgets about it and is taken over by the next fixation.

And these sorts of things - the eye rolling and the crazy ideas - happen on a daily basis.  He drops things every day.  He walks into me, nearly knocking me over, or treads on Betty's paws or tail.  He spills his drinks or knocks things over.  Treads mud indoors as he forgets to wipe his feet.  Puts things down and loses them (his glasses, wallet, phone, keys, important letters) every day.  Oh and it's always my fault - I've obviously moved them somewhere!  I have to have the patience of a saint - and I'm no saint.  I could - and do - cry sometimes when I remember the lovely, kind, funny, hard working and caring man he was, and our happy, fun-filled, busy, friend and family filled life from years ago.  But it is what it is, it's nobody's fault.

It rained relentlessly all day long on Friday, roads were flooded nearby - fortunately, the flooding generally disappears quite quickly and only affects the roads, not any of our houses.  Betty would only run into the garden for a quick wee and then run straight back in again, she really doesn't like bad weather nowadays (can't say I blame her, nor do I).  Yesterday was drizzly and dismal all day, washing had to be dried indoors.  It's supposed to improve today and a whole day of sunshine forecast for tomorrow, which will be lovely, although the temperature is dropping rapidly.  I want to get the rest of my Spring bulbs planted today or tomorrow, and have 2 more loads of washing to get done, hopefully I can get it dried outside, especially the dog blankets and towels.

I was woken up at 05.20 by husband hitting the wall with his elbow, no chance of me getting back to sleep then, although he did.

This

 As some of you may have gathered, the post in blogland that stated there was a lot of negativity now in blogs both annoyed and upset me in equal measure.  Well, more upset than anything, and I must confess to feeling personally attacked, whether that was the post's intention or not.  It plunged me into a state of deep depression for a while.  For reasons which I'm not going into (as I don't write absolutely everything on my blog!), things have been very difficult here for the past few months, and there's no let up - it is what it is, it won't be getting any better, and I just have to knuckle down and deal with it all.  And that's regardless of my own health problems, which I'm really struggling with at the moment.  To top it all, I'm still getting over what I'm now sure was covid - I have a little energy in the mornings so have to do what's necessary then, as by lunchtime I'm shattered.  My sense of smell is gradually beginning to come back, and therefore my sense of taste too.  The cough still lingers, although is nowhere near as bad.  I'm also in a lot of pain (and I have quite a high pain threshold, so for me to say that means the pain is bad) and have restricted movement, which is affecting every aspect of daily living, I've been given strong painkillers and have a diagnostic appointment next Friday.  But seeing as I'm the only capable one here, I just have to grit my teeth and carry on, someone's got to do what's necessary and that someone is me.

As I've said what seems like dozens of times.....we're all different, we're not clones of each other, we don't all react to situations the same way, we don't all have the same personalities and behavioural traits.  Some people are naturally upbeat and can find the positives in most things - I applaud you, it's fabulous to be able to do that.  But not everyone can.  I know I talk about a lot of negative things - well, all I can say is none of you are in my shoes, just as I'm not in yours.  Nobody knows what my life is like on a daily basis, apart from the limited amount I choose to talk about.  For anyone who says that somebody should do this or that, or focus on the positive - that's what YOU would do, you can't possibly know what anyone else would do in the same circumstances, nor can you expect it.  If people think what I write is too negative - well, don't read it, that's fine, I'm not forcing you to.  But don't tell me what YOU think I should be doing in any given situation.

I am fully aware that my health, both physical and emotional, is probably clouding my judgement right now, making me feel very vulnerable and alone.  I'm not going down the antidepressant route, for my own good reasons, so don't even think of suggesting that.  I will get through things in my own way - I always do, one thing I'm not is a quitter.

The one thing I can be (and am) happy and positive about is the legacy payment I was given recently.  By a lot of people's standards, it's a quite miniscule amount, but it has more or less set us up for life.  We weren't in any debt or behind with any payments, we (well me actually, I'm the one who deals with all our finances) were jogging along fairly well financially.  Following receipt of this money, we've been able to buy a few things that were more wants than needs, and my savings accounts are well and truly topped up.  So I at least have no worries on that score.

I want to say thank you so much to all the readers and blog friends who have emailed me, you've helped me more than you know to not feel so alone.