Any funny *nix one-liners?

• I mount my soul at /dev/null - a colleague

• 

Unix is user-friendly. It's just picky about who its friends are.

(I don't know the origin. There are several variant formulations floating around. T-shirt (first google hit)

There are two major products of Berkeley, CA -- LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be strictly by coincidence.

— Jeremy S. Anderson

Those who do not understand UNIX are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.

— Henry Spencer

UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things.

— Doug Gwyn

FreeBSD make:

$ make love Not war. $ 

or bsdmake on OS X:

$ make love make: don't know how to make love. Stop $ 

These are all taken from here. A lot of these don't seem to work on newer shells, but they're still possible to laugh at.

 % make fire Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop. % why not? No match. % gotta light? No match. % !1984 1984: Event not found. # (on some systems) % How's my lovemaking? Unmatched '. % "How would you rate Bush's incompetence? Unmatched ". % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. % [Where is my brain? Missing ]. % ^How did the sex change^ operation go? Modifier failed. % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % %blow %blow: No such job. % \(- (-: Command not found. % sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending! $ mkdir matter; cat >matter matter: cannot create % cd /tmp % touch this; chmod 000 this % ln -s /usr/bin/touch U % U this U: cannot touch this: no write permission % rm meese-ethics rm: meese-ethics nonexistent % ar m God ar: God does not exist % make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. Supposedly on older Sun's make will also tell you Make: Don't know how to make love. How about war instead? % sleep with me bad character % ^What is saccharine? Bad substitute. % drink yellow_pages yellow_pages: Is a directory %touch me %chmod 000 me %touch me touch: cannot touch me: permission denied % ar x "my love life" ar: my love life does not exist % ar x "matey, the treasure" ar: matey, the treasure does not exist % talk Gorvachev@Kremlin talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address. % talk Comrade Khruchev [Your party is not logged on] 

I didn't see this for a while now:

Unix is sexy: who | grep -i blonde | date; cd ~; unzip; touch; strip; finger; mount; gasp; yes; uptime; umount; sleep

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a UNIX user to show you how it's done.

— Scott Adams, Dilbert Cartoonist

Here are a couple of T-shirt slogans:

There is no place like ~

My favorite:
Thou shalt not kill -9

From Linus Torvalds : "Software is like sex: it's better when it's free".

Here's a nickel, kid. Get yourself a better computer.

That line, from an old Dilbert cartoon, is now famous enough that you don't even need the rest of the cartoon anymore.

Here it is anyway:

OK, this is cheating, but still a lot of fun!

Play around with the command line version of xkcd webcomic:
http://uni.xkcd.com/

Go ahead, type in your commands!

Here's what you you can expect:

apt-get install wife :P 

http://en.tiraecol.net/modules/comic/comic.php?content_id=161

http://www.tiraecol.net/modules/comic/comic.php?content_id=162

You don't exist. Go away.

Message from various programs when they try to look up your user info by user ID and that fails.

Reasons that can happen:

• /etc/passwd is corrupt
• the user got deleted between the program getting its doomed ID and attempting the lookup
• various weirdnesses involving the utmp file

Found in early Unix sources:

/* * You are not expected to understand this. */ if(rp->p_flag & SSWAP) { rp->p_flag =& ~SSWAP; aretu(u.u_ssav); } 

(Lightly edited.)

stop@hammertime:~> touch /this touch: cannot touch "/this": Permission denied 

Seen on a t-shirt a while back:

rm -rf /bin/laden 

My favorites:

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. Dennis Ritchie 

And:

One of my most productive days was throwing away 1000 lines of code. Ken Thomson 

From http://q4td.blogspot.com/

“Unix never says ‘please’”
    — Rob Pike

Sex Drugs and UNIX (Usenix '83) 

From the cover of the book 'A quarter Century of Unix' by Peter H. Salus

when installed :

fortune

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO (or Linux) is the answer.

• taken from here

  $ man woman
  No manual entry for woman

joe@joebox:~$ whatis linux 

The Sad Story

[root@localhost root]# gcc homework.c -o homework.c [root@localhost root]# [root@localhost root]# ls homework.c [root@localhost root]# 

The Contradiction

less > more

The name came from the joke of doing "backwards more." To help remember the difference between less and more, a common joke is to say, "less > more," implying that less has greater functionality than more. - from wikipedia

I read your mail.

A more traditional version of the dirty joke echox posted:

TOUCH GREP UNZIP MOUNT FSCK FSCK FSCK UMOUNT

hm, maybe this one:

In a world without walls or fences who needs windows or gates.

I know it's lame but true too :)

Not specific to *nix but related to coders:

Code is like fart, you support only yours.

[root@satish:~/Desktop]$ whatis linux

linux: nothing appropriate.