Prayer

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
The terrible trials still come. 
They haven't stopped. Weather
that stays in place— days stacked
like wet wool, nights that press
on the ribs. Please let up already.

We're stripped down to nearly
only the bones of our humanity. We
have to work so hard to even feel
capable of moving through the days.

My heart breaks for how much you
have to bear, as the rest of the world
blithely goes home to soft lamplight
and rest. It takes such work to coax
the soul to sit up straight in the body,
to convince it the music hasn't ended.
That it still has the capacity to dance.

Let today be the day, Lord. Send
a sign that a flood of clear air
is coming, that you won't begrudge
the handful of coins in our hands.
Give us mercy and a little hope.
Our due at last. Fists unclasped.

That Dog, Money

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
Did your father keep cash
in a sock then slide that under
the mattress? and your mother, did she
keep bills in separate envelopes
labeled food, water, light? Having lived
through the war, my parents knew
the fear of losing everything, having
nothing but the kind of debt which has
a habit of growing bigger while you sleep.
I must have formed my attitudes toward
money from them: fear that the universe
could punish you for spending on frivolous
things instead of just the necessities— good
cheese rather than cheese spread, fruit
rather than juice from concentrate.
That vacation postponed for the nth
year in a row and perhaps forever, since
the price of fuel is even more expensive
now. Our savvy friends talk about making
their money work hard for them
while they sleep: a tool they say, used
well, frees you for longer stretches
you could fill with conversation, hobbies,
or books and art. What is it worth
to work overtime without pay, catch
only four hours of sleep a day
then fall asleep at the wheel? With every
paycheck, pay yourself first but set
aside twenty percent for savings and debt
repayment. Clear accounts. Know
what you have and where it goes, care for it
as you would an animal that remembers
its wild, fanged nature, but now will fetch,
sit, and come when it is called.

Budburst

Sam Pepys and me

Up very betimes and to my office, where most hard at business alone all the morning. At noon to the Exchange, where I hear that after great expectation from Ireland, and long stop of letters, there is good news come, that all is quiett after our great noise of troubles there, though some stir hath been as was reported.
Off the Exchange with Sir J. Cutler and Mr. Grant to the Royall Oak Tavern, in Lumbard Street, where Alexander Broome the poet was, a merry and witty man, I believe, if he be not a little conceited, and here drank a sort of French wine, called Ho Bryan, that hath a good and most particular taste that I never met with.
Home to dinner, and then by water abroad to Whitehall, my wife to see Mrs. Ferrers, I to Whitehall and the Park, doing no business. Then to my Lord’s lodgings, met my wife, and walked to the New Exchange. There laid out 10s. upon pendents and painted leather gloves, very pretty and all the mode. So by coach home and to my office till late, and so to supper and to bed.

all change is news
a quiet noise
some stir

and the oak and the poet
believe it
a sort of call

go taste the water
see new loves


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Friday 10 April 1663.

Living in the In-between

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
In these parts surrounded by water,
you learn that the sea can loosen
its grip but always comes back.

But after months, years, aftermath
after aftermath, there are days like
today. When the air lightens like light

itself, then you can see how the heron
stands on the bank, as if stitched to permanence.
Water is trapped in mudflats, but there is also

shimmer in shades of purple. This is the time
before fruit ripens from flower, before
the bruise of summer. In a hurt world,

you try to understand these ongoing
lessons in wonder. Rain, when it returns,
remembers every surface it's ever met.

Consultation

Sam Pepys and me

Up betimes and to my office, and anon we met upon finishing the Treasurer’s accounts. At noon dined at home and am vexed to hear my wife tell me how our maid Mary do endeavour to corrupt our cook maid, which did please me very well, but I am resolved to rid the house of her as soon as I can.
To the office and sat all the afternoon till 9 at night, and an hour after home to supper and bed. My father lying at Tom’s to-night, he dining with my uncle Fenner and his sons and a great many more of the gang at his own cost to-day.
To bed vexed also to think of Sir J. Minnes finding fault with Mr. Hater for what he had done the other day, though there be no hurt in the thing at all but only the old fool’s jealousy, made worse by Sir W. Batten.

we met in the vexed
ear of an afternoon

an hour lying
at my own cost
with Mr. Hater


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Thursday 9 April 1663.

Verklempt

Sam Pepys and me

Up betimes and to my office, and by and by, about 8 o’clock, to the Temple to Commissioner Pett lately come to town and discoursed about the affairs of our office, how ill they go through the corruption and folly of Sir W. Batten and Sir J. Minnes.
Thence by water to White Hall, to chappell; where preached Dr. Pierce, the famous man that preached the sermon so much cried up, before the King against the Papists.
His matter was the Devil tempting our Saviour, being carried into the Wilderness by the spirit. And he hath as much of natural eloquence as most men that ever I heard in my life, mixed with so much learning.
After sermon I went up and saw the ceremony of the Bishop of Peterborough’s paying homage upon the knee to the King, while Sir H. Bennet, Secretary, read the King’s grant of the Bishopric of Lincoln, to which he is translated. His name is Dr. Lany. Here I also saw the Duke of Monmouth, with his Order of the Garter, the first time I ever saw it.
I am told that the University of Cambridge did treat him a little while since with all the honour possible, with a comedy at Trinity College, and banquet; and made him Master of Arts there. All which, they say, the King took very well. Dr. Raynbow, Master of Magdalen, being now Vice-Chancellor.
Home by water to dinner, and with my father, wife, and Ashwell, after dinner, by water towards Woolwich, and in our way I bethought myself that we had left our poor little dog that followed us out of doors at the waterside, and God knows whether he be not lost, which did not only strike my wife into a great passion but I must confess myself also; more than was becoming me. We immediately returned, I taking another boat and with my father went to Woolwich, while they went back to find the dog.
I took my father on board the King’s pleasure boat and down to Woolwich, and walked to Greenwich thence and turning into the park to show my father the steps up the hill, we found my wife, her woman, and dog attending us, which made us all merry again, and so took boats, they to Deptford and so by land to Half-way house, I into the King’s yard and overlook them there, and eat and drank with them, and saw a company of seamen play drolly at our pence, and so home by water. I a little at the office, and so home to supper and to bed, after having Ashwell play my father and me a lesson upon her Tryangle.

how I cried
a devil in the wilderness
of my life

the first time I saw
a little lost dog turn
to look at me


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Wednesday 8 April 1663.

Portrait of the Body After Having Given Birth

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
All of us travel here 
in the same way, in our
own time.

The body, breaking
through the surface,
learns that such entry
is never clean.

What opens may not ever
return to its former shape.
At the moment it happens,
it's aided by gravity.

And the mind, too, moves
downward toward what
palpably hurts.

After, there is
the loneliness of having
been the doorway. You are
the portal through which more
than language has passed.

You can't take anything
back. You can call it
devotion or you can
call it regret.

But it isn't by accident
that the areola's soft
bluish flesh connects
magnetically

to that ocean in whose depths
one could drown, cresting
the waves of pleasure.

Dentation

Sam Pepys and me

Up very betimes, and angry with Will that he made no more haste to rise after I called him. So to my office, and all the morning there. At noon to the Exchange, and so home to dinner, where I found my wife had been with Ashwell to La Roche’s to have her tooth drawn, which it seems aches much, but my wife could not get her to be contented to have it drawn after the first twich, but would let it alone, and so they came home with it undone, which made my wife and me good sport.
After dinner to the office, where Sir J. Minnes did make a great complaint to me alone, how my clerk Mr. Hater had entered in one of the Sea books a ticket to have been signed by him before it had been examined, which makes the old fool mad almost, though there was upon enquiry the greatest reason in the world for it. Which though it vexes me, yet it is most to see from day to day what a coxcomb he is, and that so great a trust should lie in the hands of such a fool.
We sat all the afternoon, and I late at my office, it being post night, and so home to supper, my father being come again to my house, and after supper to bed, and after some talk to sleep.

an angry tooth aches
after the first twitch

one hate entered in a book
makes the old
mad at the world

yet day to day lie
in the hands of night
again to sleep


Erasure poem derived from The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Tuesday 7 April 1663.

On Not Repeating

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
Counting, like in the tales
where girls are given impossible
tasks to numb their fingers and hearts—
Separate grain from pebbles by nightfall,
sew seven shirts without speaking a word
for seven years. Silence itself, part
of the spell: a clause in a contract
you don't even remember having signed
in blood or ink. Only in those stories
are there helpers: talking mice,
birds, ants, meaning belief
in the kindness of nature which
somehow bends toward you because
it intuits an injustice. But I want
to know how the curse can be broken,
how the loop of bad luck can be severed
once and for all, not just reversed.
I want to drop this needle and
burn this loom, see my loves
emerge out of the forest or
soften from stone back into flesh.
Let whatever I may have mislaid
be suddenly found in the corner
of a coat pocket, the toe of a shoe.

I Did Not Buy Flowers Today

river in November light between bare woods and mountain
Feeling slightly out of alignment with
the world, I stop at the grocery store
looking for something to nudge me back
onto the road of purpose I drive each
day— home to work, work to home. I think
of getting flowers, but would that be
admitting something I can't say aloud?
In there, the sunflowers are smaller
than I remember: heads disheveled
under LED lights, faces turned nowhere
in particular. Have they, too, forgotten
how to follow the sun? There's not one
particular cause for blame— not the hike
in oil prices nor the increasingly infertile
soil from climate change, not the store
and the unpredictability of supply and demand.
Once, the hills of my childhood were dotted
with the same yellow blooms. Their brightness
reflected a light I never questioned, as if
it would always be there, forgiving me
everything before I even thought to say
what for. I try to think of that light again
here, and in the end I leave the flowers
with their price tags exactly where they are.
I walk back into my day, hands empty
of everything but this honesty.