Unsigned Confessions

I wish I'd known that some teachers who seemed ludicrously out of touch with their audience and the era, were nonetheless doing their best, and deserved more than derision from me, as a student and as a person. I wish I'd known that some teachers who seemed ludicrously out of touch with their audience and the era, actually were, and I deserved more respect from them than I received, as a student and as a person. I wish I'd known how to tell the difference between the two. I wish I'd known how much it would help me, later in life, to have been exposed to both at a young age.

I wish I'd known how fortunate I was, to have Howard Nemerov as a teacher (a Pulitzer-winning poet who would eventually go on to become a national Poet Laureate). I wish I'd known that my good fortune lay not in his being A Name In His Field, but in his ability to connect with us as students, and help us look at the world from new and unusual perspectives. I wish I'd known what a huge opportunity I was missing, by not getting to know him better. I wish I'd known that I was merely young and foolish and still filled with unnecessary Awe.

I wish I'd known that political views are not static entities, when viewed over the course of several decades. I wish I'd known how obnoxious it was, to pronounce upon the worth of candidates and office-holders with all the weight of my paltry two or three years of experience as a voting adult. I wish I'd known how embarrassed this would make me, in retrospect. I wish I'd known that over time, perspective sharpens and brings the clay feet even of our heroes into focus. I wish I'd known what a dearth of statesmen we would suffer in the ensuing decades, and had become more of an activist for statesmanship in hopes of helping to avert the shortfall.

I wish I'd known that my personal interest in history would eventually grow to its current strength, when I still had the chance to explore it as part of my undergraduate coursework. I wish I'd known how fortunate I was, to have Laurel Thatcher Ulrich as our neighbor across the street throughout my childhood. I wish I'd known that, in addition to being my playmate Mindy's mom, she would go on to be a Pulitzer-winning historian. I wish I'd known how to put all of those pieces of data together to perhaps follow an alternate career path.

I wish I'd known that it was impossible, at 18, for me to know who I was and what I needed and wanted. I wish I'd known this in time to avoid hurting the man I had agreed to marry. I wish I'd known that the relationship with the new college sweetheart who followed would not be worth the eight years spent upon it. I wish I'd known how long it would take to truly know myself well enough to be ready to enter a relationship as an equal partner.

I wish I'd known how long it would be before I met my true soulmate. I wish I'd known that he would be worth the wait, and filled the intervening years with less stressing about being alone. I wish I'd known that I would not have any children of my own, despite knowing that it would have made no difference in how much I adored each of my nieces and nephews. I wish I'd known to put less of my attention on the lack of a partner and children, and more on the blessing of still having (for many of the intervening years) a grandfather, as well as great aunts and great uncles.

I wish I'd known to stay in closer touch with friends from childhood and high school and college, long after we all dispersed in our respective directions and career paths. I wish I'd known how few years I had left with some dear friends and honorary family members. I wish I'd known to tell my amazing parents and siblings more often, how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them. I wish I'd known how wildly spread across the spectrum we would all become.

I wish I'd known how fast time would fly, after I'd graduated and gone about landing a job and starting life's adventures out in The World. I wish I'd known that the strange sensation of being in a perpetual state of waiting for something significant (but completely unknown) that was about to happen, to happen, was merely that: a strange sensation. I wish I'd known that five year plans would only last for the first five or ten years, and that with each passing year it would get simultaneously harder and less significant to define new goals in five year increments.

I wish I'd known that, by my mid-30s, I would have shingles, and neuralgia, and clinical depression, so that I could prepare to face those challenges, and make the most of the intervening years. I wish I'd known how fortunate I was to have good, affordable medical care. I wish I'd known how badly our health care system needed to be reformed.

I wish I'd known that I'd eventually conquer my crippling shyness to the point where I could get on a plane and fly halfway across the country to spend a weekend with people I'd only met as words typed on a computer screen, and only knew because we watched the same crazy television show. I wish I'd known how deep the friendships would be forged. I wish I'd known what amazing people I would meet, and how incredibly strong and resilient their spirits would be, in the face of hurricanes and financial challenges and romantic setbacks. I wish I'd known how powerful their impact on my life would be. I wish I'd known that the internet would leap off the pages of my science fiction books and into reality, and make all of this possible.