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weird, but i think i was suffering from stress. (it had been a while, i guess i'd forgotten what it can be like) like, i wasn't taking deep enough breaths, i wasn't getting enough oxygen (and i was a bit dehydrated as well) and i think it was giving me a headache and generally making me feel miserable. well after a day of concentrating on my breathing and after an afternoon nap i am feeling a lot better. also: i decided to remove that which was stressing me. (nice when you can do that, rare also)
graft and efficiency
Jul. 13th, 2005 07:55 pmin the department meeting earlier this week they were joking that tom was trying to bribe us by bringing second rate bickys, or "cookies" as the americans call them. we also talked about poor efficiency, so i e-mailed myself using my phone a message that said "graft and efficiency" because i thought at some point i might have something interesting to write about this meeting. i was wrong. some days i hate my job. on others i remember that it is a pretty good one as far as jobs go, but i still hate it. she told me today that she is getting married next week. they were already in a de facto marriage, so it doesn't change anything. regardless it makes me feel lonely.
took a nap this afternoon because i was tired. this was a mistake. i knew it would be. now i won't sleep. i'm having company this weekend, but i can't really bring myself to do the dirty cleanup work. i still don't like the idea of her knowing that i am not absolutely perfect, even though of course i know she is quite aware of many of my faults. and even though i know things will never be different between us. i haven't even told her that i am keeping an on-line journal. i sort of know that she knows. sometimes i will send her individual entries, if i think she will find them interesting; especially photo posts. i'm caught between this really intense desire for her to read my scribblings and the horror that she might actually read them. writing a public journal like this, or even a private internet journal is something that i know she would never do, due to her highly private nature and the place where she grew up. i feel week because i can't maintain the same level of anonymity that she does. why? i'm having second thoughts about my goals. i find myself doing less and less actively and more and more just waiting and living in hope. i am less and less confident of my skills. i know a lot about how operating systems work, and especially the program/os interface, and how that impacts program performance. i know a lot about perl. i know a lot about SQL and apache. i don't know anything about graphics or distributed computing, and even if i did have the opportunity to acquire such skills i don't think it would be enough. i want to come up with something to study, which will cater to my interests, but i got nothing. my thoughts on creativity/technology revolve around exactly what my potential mentor told me not to focus on. i need to break out of the box, but i can't think.
ginger ale
Mar. 19th, 2005 09:20 amthere are three empty cans of ginger ale on my desk. also: a wrapper from some frozen breakfast that i at this morning. i'm feeling lonely and undirected at the moment. i really should be doing stuff, but i keep doing nothing. i don't really feel anything at the moment. like i said in my previous entry i can't even sustain depression anymore. not that that is all that bad, but i miss some of the passion that i used to have.
dactyl is rumored to have originally written the HACK protocol, although nobody is certain of its origins. i re-post the man page here, just for fun: r.s. HACK(1) User Commands HACK(1) NAME hack - user interface to the HACK protocol (automatically identifying and exploiting weaknesses on a remote host) SYNOPSIS hack [-p] [-l] [-i] [-s minport maxport] [-P] [-h] [-w] [-q] [-L] DESCRIPTION The hack command opens a TCP or LBP connection to a remote host with the intention of locating and exploiting that system's weaknesses using the HACK protocol. Hack is partic- ularly useful for users who desire the glory of hacking but cannot or will not learn UNIX. If hack is invoked without the hostname argument, it enters command mode, indicated by its prompt ``hack>'' is invoked with arguments, it performs a ``breach'' command with those arguments. OPTIONS -p Pathetic mode. This assumes that the target host is poorly-administered and contains one or more ancient security holes (sendmail DEBUG, fingerd hole, valid /etc/passwd in ftp dir, etc.) and thus attempts a ``quick-and- dirty'' intrusion on the machine. No attempts at subtlety or anonymity are made when hack is in pathetic mode; it assumes that the target host's administrators either keep no logs or check them on a bi-yearly basis. -l Extended hack. This option will initiate a long- term attack on the target host, which entails not only the standard HACK protocol at the time the command is exe- cuted, but also a series of probes to be executed at carefully-spaced intervals in the future. The initial hack connection will by default record the target host's current users and last administrator logins, and future probes as a result of the -e option will attempt to avoid these times to escape immediate detection. (The target host's logs are, of course, tailored automatically by most versions of hack.) -i Interactive mode. When hack is executed with the - i option enabled, it will perform its initial scan fol- lowed by the prompt ``Hack now? y/n'' If Y is not selected, ``Hack later'' will be displayed, and upon each future login the user will be prompted again until he sees fit to complete the hack. SunOS 5.5.1 Last change: 1 HACK(1) User Commands HACK(1) -s Scan ports. Attempts strobe - like port scanning between the selected ports on the target host. Secu- rity holes on these ports will be automatically exploited, and hack will display ``Hackable port detected'' for each. Hack then enters interactive mode for each hackable port, prompting the user according to -i. -h Hopeless mode. This assumes that the user executing the hack command simply is not destined to become knowledgable in the field, successfully penetrate remote machines, or to do anything practical with a computer, for that matter. The -h mode aborts execu- tion of hack , but sends a FAQ request via e-mail to alt.2600, with Reply-to: set to the USER variable of the ENVIRON option. Additionally, -h sends a member- ship request to America Online, Incorporated, for an AOL startup package and 15 free hours of Internet strangulation. -P Planetary mode. This function hacks the planet, pure and simple. -P bombards every known host on the Inter- net with hack penetration attempts. All successful intrusions will be reported real-time, although this option may take weeks, months, or years on anything short of a quantum computer. Bandwidth is not a con- cern here; however, don't use this mode unless you REALLY don't know what you're doing. -q Quarantined hosts. Setting the -q option allows hack to attack non-networked hosts such as standalone works- tations, fast-food-chain cash registers and graphing calculators via LBP. (For more information on Linkless Bytestream Protocol see RFC 3733 section T.) -L Localhost. The -L option ignores hostname arguments and attempts to penetrate the localhost. If executed by a non-superuser, hack attempts to gain root access via the HACK protocol. If executed by root or similar superuser, hack selects an attack method (chosen ran- domly from /etc/hack/annoying/mediahyped/attackmthds ) and executes it against the localhost. (CERT note: it is conceivable that certain aspects of the -L function might possibly make it a threat to system security; be aware of this before installing on a multiuser system.) SunOS 5.5.1 Last change: 2 HACK(1) User Commands HACK(1) DISTRIBUTION Hack is available via anonymous ftp at the following sites: ftp://ftp.cert.org/pub/tools/hack.c <hack.exe for DOS> ftp://ftp.halibut.com/pub/phish/3l33t/appz/hack.c or via mail order: send mail to cert@cert.org with "GET HACKING TOOL" in the message body. Hack95, an icon-based interface for Windows 95 users, should be available by early October 1996. AUTHOR Terrel Maxeme <terrel@sad.com> Information about new releases, mailing lists, and other related issues can be found from the hack WWW home page at http://www.ignorance.net/hack SEE ALSO hackd (8), clueless (1), breach (2) SunOS 5.5.1 Last change: 3
good riddance
Dec. 15th, 2004 03:38 pmtoday at the holiday bowling party (what will the idiots at work think of next?) and linda asks me if I want to sign kari's farewell card. is kari leaving? i had no idea. yeah, i'll wish her good riddance. i once considered her a friend. one friday i was walking outside the blue martini with the idiot patrol and we saw kari. we said hi, but did not stop to chat. i admit it. it's true. i didn't stop to chat. the next monday i stoped to say hello to kari and she said something rude to me, so i decided to leave her alone. then she sent me a vociferous mean spirited e-mail calling me (among other things) a coward. presumably because i didn't stop and chat. i'm really not sure. i responded with a polite description of what i felt had happened and offered to talk to her about it. she never responded. i decided to treat her with respect, but not friendship at work, and did not ever associate with her outside of work again. shortly after that the idiot patrol disbanded, i met e and started hiking after work and fell into the clique that i now exist in. basically i found some real friends and i didn't need to waste my time with kari and her childish moodieness.
grasshopper
Dec. 13th, 2004 11:49 amin my office is the picture of a grasshopper. i drew it for an unreleased story i wrote in the long long ago time. the name of the story was label. it was part of the unfinished "unrelated" trillogy i wrote when gen dumped me. there are so many colorful photographs in my office. this picture is sepia. it is like a "sepia photograph on the wall". wish i could remember what that was from.
the short days are killing me, but the shortest day of all is not far, and once i get through that, they only get longer. at work right now. should be working, or at least, um... focusing on project X... but i'm entirely unmotivated to do so. I have to see my worthless manager tomorrow for a one-on-one meeting. gonna ask him if i can carry over some unused vacation to next year. i had hoped to be able to do that under better circumstances. such is life.
what happened to me?
Dec. 11th, 2004 01:37 pmi have things i need to be doing right now. i can't seem to have the motivation to get moving. i feel like shit. i don't get it, i remembered to take my meds today. i seem to spend all my time on the internet now a days and writing morbid angry entries in my new blog. last year i was deeply depressed and pretty much totally rejected the computer geek in me. now i've let it back into my life and it is overwhelming me again. i am not happy.
management secrets from 6th grade
Dec. 11th, 2004 11:43 ammy 6th grade teacher was mr. nelson. gUe told me that he died of a a heart attack. in my life long goal to pass judgement on everyone and everything i will say that mr. nelson was a good guy. when we had parent teacher confrences, mr. nelson told some of the students (including gUe and myself) that he didn't really need to talk to our parents, unless our folks wanted to. this made some of the poor performers in the class (whos parents he did have to see) jealous. this is the way mr. nelson was, he was pretty no-nonsense kind of guy. he had a pet rattlesnake, and sometimes he would let us watch him feed it. one day when we were on a field trip to i dunno where, we got onto the bus from where ever we had been to go back to where ever we were going and mr. nelson said "no food or drinks on the bus." and then he added "so hide it well." the reason i am thinking about this is that i was going to tell cicely that she should tell her employees that they are not allowed to use eVite to protected the corporation from the union, but that she should tell them "to not get caught." along the same lines. i think that would be patronizing though and i will keep the thought to myself.
well i haven't really written anything for a while. i haven't posted anything in even longer. some of you may think that is a good thing, like that dip-shit once was best friend of mine gUe "turncoat" partridge. graham (who is also a dickhead) gave me an account on his computer. that is why you are able to read this now. this computer is named after a video game character he is obsessed with. what a dork. seriously i don't get what his friends see in him. i don't see any of my asshole friends from the old days, except mike. mike has some class. he got married a while ago. his wife is hot, and from los alamos. sometimes i see dom. he has a good heart. this coming from me. i wonder if bishop ever invented his cure for aging. that asshole was only in it for the money. and blasic. that guy was a psychotic turd. sean "little man" o'dork and his fucked up buddy mike makkalla. those idiots used to argue about what alloy made the best goddamn bike. hopefully they found something better to do with their lives. not that i've found anything better. so that is all. i just thought i would announce my return. the revival of Richard Ess.
